Diver:Charlie, from Spruce Tree Coffeehouse & Wine Bar, in Cortez

Interesting facts: This three-peat diver and former Durangotang once streaked 3 miles with a pack of fellow employees out of Denali National Park. The streak became known as the Denali Dash.

 

Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

Call us crazy but we’ve got four riders camping in our yard during this weekend’s Single Speed World Championships. What special treats/paybacks should we expect from our guests from afar? What tips can you offer for keeping our new friends in line should they exhibit “typical” single speeder traits?

– Polly the pedaler, via e-mail

Dear Crazy,

Guests from afar should bear token gifts from afar; a little something from their home that says thanks for your home. With any luck, they’ll come from someplace cool and think of this. However, if they turn out to be dirt bags, relying on the universe (and you), simply ask them to Visualize Getting a Job. If it gets ugly, especially late at night, tell Durango’s finest that you came home early from vacation and found them in your yard.

– One Love, Diver

Dear Diver,

I’ve been following the news on the boom in legal pot dealers in Durango and have a question. What’s the easiest way to get a prescription for medical marijuana? I’ve got a variety of ailments – bad eyes, sore back, strong foot odor, etc. Which is the best path to legal green?

– Huff ’n’ Puff, Durango

Dear Huff,

Present your “alternative medicine” practitioner with an ailment that they cannot disprove and that marijuana can solve. Like insomnia, for instance, or ambition. If s/he can check your smelly digits, your drug problem may continue. To beat The Man, you must think like The Man. It’s got to look good ON paper before it’s IN paper. You follow?

– Wake up, it’s your hit, Diver

Dear Diver,

I’m looking for a good way to tell my husband I’m pregnant. Let’s just say we had a little accident; I’m very excited but he is definitely going to be “surprised.” How should I break it gently to his dudeness.

- Suzy (not my real name), via e-mail

Dear Suzy Q. Public,

His dudeness must see this with fresh perspective. The magnitude of this situation cannot be understated; I am called to quote scripture: “And she bore him a child, and wrapped it in swaddling clothes, and it tied the whole room together.” Duderonomy 4:20. At least it’s an ethos. And if you need a toe, I can get you a toe, Suzy - by 3 o’clock this afternoon … with nail polish.  

– Rolling on Shabbos, Diver