Dear Diver,

Now that the City Council has finally enacted the chicken ordinance, I’m ready to start growing some poultry. What are the diver’s recommendations for a foolproof coop and easy-to-manage egg factory? Where should I begin my quest for free food?

– Egghead

Dear Egghead,

Hooray for the chickens! As fellow lovers of foul and free food, we are also excited about the new ordinance. First off, let us say we hope the future farmers of Durango will consider what to do with the chicken poop as much as how to build the chicken coop. While researching answers to this question, we actually stumbled upon www.ilovechickenpoop.com …. geez, they’ll put anything online! Anyway, the best answer is to compost that chicken s&*! It may also help with your quest for free food: gardening! The best, fool-proof coop is made of, guess what, chicken wire. Build a full enclosure to keep the chickens in and the rest out. Make it warm and cozy with some hay, and you’re set. Just sit back and wait for the free food to come chicken-dancing in. Lastly, be sure to share with your neighbors, they will most likely have to deal with the same annoyances that can come with chickens. Once this whole “swine flu” nonsense blows over, maybe the city will allow pigs in town ,too, and you can score some free bacon with your eggs. Mmmm, bacon.

– Divers

Dear Diver,

I’m new to town and recently got a hard-knocks lesson in winter driving skills. Let’s just say, I’ll be getting a bodywork bill next month and I’m not talking breast augmentation. Anyway, what tips can you recommend for successfully negotiating snow, ice and my fellow drivers in coming months? Flooring it and breaking erratically doesn’t seem to be working.

– Becky in Bayfield

Oh Becky,

We can all understand the aches and pains that come with winter driving. Some days it seems people are either driving like a blind nun up a steep hill with a flat tire or zipping around as if they were gliding down some fresh powder on skis instead of tires. No, that was not a mogul you just hit. The key is to find a happy medium. That or carpool with someone more experienced and pay attention to how they do it. Public transportation and hitchin’ are also always options and will decrease your carbon footprint. But if thumbin’ it in 10 degrees isn’t your thing, you will just have to practice, practice, practice. And, for cryin’ out loud, clean ALL the ice and snow off ALL your windows – that peephole isn’t doing you or the poor pedestrians any favors. If all else fails, get the boob job and feel safer with your new airbags properly installed.

– Divers

Dear Diver,

I just found out that one of my business’ service providers has been gouging me (for years). What’s the appropriate recourse?How can I seek revenge and pull a little reverse gouge? Is there such thing as good/bad business karma?