Dear Diver,

Here’s the scenario. You can fight any celebrity. If you win, you can move into their crystal palace and take over their status/car/bride/husband, etc. If you lose, you become indentured to them as a nanny/manny/garden boy, etc. So, diver, who will it be?

– Too much time in the barstool

Well Barstooler,

I gave this question some considerable thought. I think I’d fight Burt Reynolds. First off, it would be just plain awesome to fight Burt @#$%^&* Reynolds. Second, I think I’d have a decent chance of kicking his ass. Upon victory, I’d inherit the sweetest collection of cowboy hats, tight jeans, Trans Ams, chewed gum, Hooper outtakes/bloopers and vintage nude photos of Lonnie Anderson known to man. If I lost, I figure the worst that could happen is he’d make me grow a mustache, watch the “Stroker Ace” Director’s Cut and prank call Sally Field…none of which really suck.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

I recently flew the “friendly skies” and somehow the handlers lost my bag. When I say lost, I mean gone. The bag contained clothes, wallet, gear and my favorite Pabst Blue Ribbon T-shirt. How shall I take my revenge?

– Cindy, via e-mail

Cindy,

I’m afraid you’re up against a power you don’t fully understand. I’m struggling with an adequate analogy that best explains the futility of your plans of vengeance, but rest assured it’s something on the scale of getting the Postal Service to stop delivering junk mail. Take your lumps – fill out the requisite forms in triplicate and hope for some cash restitution. On the up side, you’ve been forcefully relieved of your PBR woobie. That fashion trend has run its course.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

Which is the coolest neighborhood in Durango? I’ve been around for a few years, but I’m still curious. South Side, North of College, Animas City and Tupperware Heights all have their fans. Which is the best?

– On the move in Durango

Great question, On the Move,

I myself am considering a move out of Baytucky into the big city and have wondered what the best neighborhood might be. I’m convinced the north end of town around 32nd Street and Main is pretty ideal for numerous reasons. Quick trail access to Animas Mountain, Dalla Mountain Park, the Durango Mountain Park and the Gulch via the Ball Lane Trail near Bread is high on my list. There are killer amenities like Zia Taqueria, theCity Market salad bar, Mac’s Liquor and Dairy Queen in the area without the need to brave true downtown congestion. Finally, if you buy high enough up the hill on the west side of Main, you will have the intangible benefit of superiority historically reserved for the landed gentry. Sit back, enjoy an Oreo/Cookie Dough Blizzard, adjust your monacle, twiddle your mustache and soak in the good life….you’re in the coolest neighborhood in Durango.

– Diver