Dear Diver,

Given that Feb. 2 just passed, I have two important questions. First, how much ground can a groundhog hog? And second, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck. This is, of course, assuming the woodchuck could chuck wood and the groundhog could hog ground.

– Signed, Obsessed with Rodents

P.S. If you have any idea what a marmot could do, feel free to include that info as well.

Willard,

Your obsession seems to border on the unhealthy. I can tell you this because I am a doctor (as far as you know.)To answer your questions, the woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood – which incidentally is just shy of a face-cord or rick in one day. Savvy?

The groundhog is a trickier answer. After a little bit of research, I have uncovered some disturbing news. Groundhogs are exactly the same animal as the woodchuck and marmot. As such, I’m pretty sure all they can do is lie around on golf courses making loud screeching noises, not unlike a lot of retirees I met in my days as a caddie. Also, I understand all of the above creatures will make off with small children given the slightest provocation. But that might be internet jibber-jabber.  

– El Divero

P.S.: “Jibber-Jabber” would be an awesome name for a magazine about terrain park skiing and snowboarding.

Dear Diver,

To detox or not to detox? I put some hard Snowdown mileage on my liver last week. I’m considering a little stint on the wagon. What are the advantages/disadvantages of taking a little breather from the tap?

– Barry in Durango

Barrold,

As a pretend doctor, I must advise against it. I’ve heard that all they do is inject toxins into your face – or wherever – so that your muscles stop working. It seems highly dangerous and … wait, detox? Oh. Yes, you should do that. I know exactly how you feel. It’s the nights of Lunacy that always put me in a bad way.

The disadvantages of the detoxification process are sometimes problematic. First, you don’t feel like you are much fun anymore. Second, you start to remember your problems. And lastly you may lose status as a contributing member of the economy.

The advantages, on the other hand are quite nice. People actually want to be around you. When you say “I love you” there is a possibility you mean it. You start to get things done in a timely and organized fashion. And, finally, your insides stop hurting. Start off easy and see how long you can make it. Drink lots of OJ, and go to the gym. Who knows? You might like it. But take the money you would have spent on booze and get the super-fancy cable package, because nights in D-town can get kind of boring if you don’t go to the bars.

– Your Friend, The Diver

Dear Diver,

What’s up with people always asking how many years I’ve been here? You know the bit – “Oh, well I’ve been here for 12 years.” Just how many years does it take to attain local status? Does a FLC diploma immediately usher you to the top tier?

- New Kid on the Block

Dear Johnny, Jordan, Danny, Joey or Donnie,

First of all, congratulations on your success during the ’80s. My sister loved you guys! Second, welcome to Durango. This is a town of transplants. Nearly everyone is from somewhere else. I am from the Middle-West, where everyone assumes you were born there and will die there.

If you would like to avoid the conversational pitfall of how long you have lived in/what brought you to/is there anything fun to do besides drink in Durango , I have a few tips: First, don’t turn on the lights when you get dressed. It is well documented that if you have an absolute dearth of fashion sense – and possibly a penchant for being ridiculously over-friendly – you are likely to be a townie. So, stop wearing anything but Carhartts, fleece, beanies and sensible but rugged shoes and start assuming that everyone and anyone wants to hear everything you have to say and people will believe you have lived here all your life.

I would like to be clear here that I am not bagging on townies. Salt of the earth. Alternately, you can just stop talking to people. That’s what I’ve done.

– The Diver