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| Dear Diver, We have a shared refrigerator at work, and it is loaded with abandoned food stuffs. The other day I opened the door, and someone’s month-old mac ‘n cheese had made the move into my turkey and swiss. How can I straighten out this culinary mess? Any suggestions would be most appreciated. – Moldy Max, via e-mail Dear Moldy Max (That’s a gross name by the way), Obviously, you don’t understand the general principles of common refrigerator usage. Ignore the problem, and then you get your co-workers back by following these simple steps: 1. Don’t ever throw out food that is moldy because it is hiding behind stuff in the back of the fridge. Mold is a beautiful thing, and everyone likes to watch it develop. It’s like a science project 2. If a co-worker wants a soda, feel free to direct them to one in the fridge (preferably one that belongs to the culprit behind the mold). They won’t mind that you took their afternoon refreshment and will probably be grateful that were so kind-hearted as to share with your other co-workers. 3. Whenever possible leave small scraps of food and dirty coffee mugs in their cubicle. 4. If you really need to, leave bird seed all over their car. As long as you follow these annoying steps, the moldy situation should go away. – Divers Dear Diver, My wife has informed me that it’s “time to clean out the garage.” What this means in husband speak is that I must now throw out my favorite collectibles – old magazines, tired but not retired bike parts, failed woodworking projects etc., etc., etc. How can I hold my ground and hold onto my precious possessions? – Losing ground in Hermosa Dear Ninny in Hermosa, Do you really think that getting rid of your precious possessions (aka junk) is some kind of major problem? We think your question is stupid. Try thinking of things outside of your realm, like donating some of your favorite collectibles to needy families in Rwanda. Give your old dirty magazines to a bum in Horse Gulch to start his evening fire. Stop complaining about having to get rid of your old stuff that is probably molding in the garage anyway. You should get a hold of Moldy Max and maybe he can help you out.– Divers P.S. Always listen to your wife. Dear Diver, I’m the mother of an 8-year-old child, and my spouse and I are not seeing eye-to-eye on the rating system for motion pictures. He believes we can take our child to PG-13 films as long as we’re with him. My preference is for G-rated pictures with an occasional PG for a treat. Where does the diver stand on the issue? – Marilyn, Durango Dear Marilyn, OMG! Like Marilyn Monroe? That’s so cool. If this is the real Marilyn, you should show your child some sexy films. Most of the kids films these days are too scary. There are all these monsters, like in “Sleeping Beauty” and “Beauty and the Beast.” Put images of scary monsters into your child’s head and you know what that means … you’ll have a child who is scared of monsters and the dark. If you show them sexy films, all you’re doing is exposing them to the future that will inevitably fall into their lap. Every kid wants to know how families got made, right? Plus, you’ll have a well-informed child and not a sissy. You know, those little sissy kids who are afraid of monsters get made fun of by other kids. – Divers |
