Dear Diver,

I recently moved to Durango from Massachusetts and am struggling to attain “local” status. The biggest problem is that my accent is crushing me. Can the diver recommend any clutch terms/sayings to help me blend in? Also, are there any establishments I should frequent to help me straighten out my speech?

– Ben the Bostonian

Dear Durangotang wannabe:

So you need advice on how to be something you are not? Well, don’t we all. OK, I’ll try to be helpful. As far as clutch terms, I think you really don’t want to go there as we all know Boston has no “r” in its vocabulary. So you can’t use “riding and roping,” “cowgirl” or even “Durango” for that matter. Establishments ? I’d say the Ranch, after 11 p.m. any night that ends in “y.” You’ll learn a lot of lingo that hard-core (or hahd-coah) locals use. Trouble is, you may not remember much of it, but I bet they’ll remember you!

– Cheers! The Divah

Dear Diver,

What’s up with the heat this summer? Has Durango done something to anger the Sun Gods? Where can I find relief (and please don’t say tubing the river)?

– Hot Stuff

Dear Hot:

Tubing the river? Have you seen it lately? It’s not so much tubing as much as puddle jumping right now. Might be the heat, might be global warming, might be Martians. Who knows? Anyway, something to cool off? Basement drinking establishments are always cool, even when it’s hot. So are patio drinking establishments. I think I’m coming up with a pattern here. I suggest you just drink something tall, cool and refreshing until the heat breaks. Oh, wait, you must have done that already, it was freezing here this morning! Cut it out! Save it for when we need snow!

– Sincerely, Not So Hot Aymore

Dear Diver,

I have a confession to make – I suddenly hate bluegrass music, and my newfound dislike of the genre is causing me serious problems. I can no longer party with friends, attend a majority of local concerts, do any significant festival time or listen to public radio stations. Please help put the twang back in my life.  

– W. in Durango

Dear Dubya, (and I mean that in the nicest possible sense … NOT!),

For a long time, I saw no merit whatsoever in bluegrass music. Didn’t understand it, didn’t want to. All those horror stories about murder, love gone wrong, getting left behind with only the dog to talk to … but I came around. You can too! Just repeat after me, many, many times: DUN dun DUN dun DUN dun DUN dun dun dun. See, it’s a pattern that is in virtually EVERY bluegrass song. I think you just lost your tempo. You need to come to terms with yourself. Make a bass out of a washtub and a stick. Stand on a corner of Main Ave. with an upside down cowboy hat on the sidewalk. Put up a sign saying you’re struggling with bluegrass, that hat’ll fill up in no time. You’ll be telling the truth, right? You’re struggling, maybe not as an artist but as a consumer. Then when the hat’s full, you can afford to go to whatever concerts or festivals you like, bluegrass or not. Wait, I know! Google “one hit wonders,” listen to two or three of them, then just TRY to get them out of your head. You’ll run screaming back to the good ol’ bluegrass of home. You can beat this! Whip it! Whip it good!

– Sincerely, Vintage Diver