Dear Diver,

How do you stop a war? And even trickier, how do you tell friends, co-workers and relatives that they are f-ing idiots if they think the war is legit? I see stupid people in my world, am I just a conceited ass?

– Bad Chad

Lady Chad-erly’s Lover,

I hate to have to tell you this, especially in this very public forum, but I’m leaning toward “conceited ass.” Mind, it is not because I necessarily disagree with your beliefs, but rather that I am incensed by your attitude that you might be the only right person. Furthermore, even if you are the right person in the situation, our living in the United States ensures that people can believe whatever dumb-ass thing they choose.

 So, the best way for you to let them know that you think they are idiots would be to find new friends who always agree with you, find a homogenized workplace that is compatible with your beliefs, and move without giving your family a forwarding address. Either that, or gently and persuasively try and talk people over to your side.

As for trying to stop a war… That’s a tricky subject. I will defer to a quote I found today after months of searching, “There comes a time when the operation of the machine becomes so odious, makes you so sick at heart, that you can’t take part, you can’t even passively take part, and you’ve got to put your bodies upon the gears and upon the wheels, upon all the apparatus, and you’ve got to make it stop. And you’ve got to indicate to the people who run it, the people who own it, that unless you’re free the machine will be prevented from working at all.” Mario Savio said that. Of course, he was talking about a university, but I think it still applies. I would encourage you to take that advice. Because, if you lack

the strength of your convictions to act on them, then all you offer is lip service and you might as well buy a video game console, watch cartoons all day, and let your brains slowly dribble out onto the sofa beside you.

-This American Diver

Dear Diver,

In our old town conversations routinely opened with “What church do you attend?” Well, I’ve already learned that doesn’t fly in most parts of La Plata County. Please recommend a more effective ice breaker for a couple of newbies?

– Lizbeth, via e-mail

Liz of Nazareth,

To be honest with you, this question is a little bit over my head. I personally do not like to break the ice (I generally feel the ice is just fine the way it is). In fact, I think it utterly creepy that strangers say hello to me when I walk down the street. We had people like that back home – they’re called hobos, and they all want something. However, my attitude on this subject has caused people to label me a “happy-go-lucky misanthrope” in the past, so it might not be the tack you want to take. So, here are some suggestions on how to get the juices of discussion and camaraderie flowing:

“So, I hear you’re getting a pony…”

“Did you know that Shakespeare died of syphilis?”

“Can you believe that the sports team from our region was unable to defeat the sports team from insert opposing sports team’s region here in their athletic contest last night? I, personally, am outraged at their ineptitude!”

Or Finally: “Hi, I’m Lizbeth, damn glad to meet ya.”

Any of these are sure to get the conversation rolling – unless they know that Shakespeare did not, in fact, die of syphilis – and you will be the center of attention and the talk of the town in no time.

– Love, The King of Banal Pleasantries

Dear Diver,

I’m starting to have second thoughts about buying a season pass this year (I had second thoughts last year too). What’s a sure-fire way of waking up Ullr and starting the snow cycle (I can’t remember what I did last year, but I think it worked).

– Knee deep in Durango

KD,

First and foremost, buy the pass! How mad will you be in the middle of the season if it dumps constantly and you have chosen to take the less-economically advantageous route of paying for day passes or you’ve taken to the demeaning practice of begging friends for buddy passes? In the long run, if this turns out to be a rotten year, you can always chalk it up to life experience, and you will be all right because of the leveling nature of the free market. I know when I am considering buying something I generally end up purchasing whatever it is and selling it later if I decide it’s not for me. If you try to do this with a ski pass, they will arrest you. So, just pony up and show that you have faith in Üllr, so that he may treat you right. As for waking the old boy up, I cannot in good conscience recommend that you burn large piles of skis on sacrificial pyres (wink, wink.) Because that would be ecologically irresponsible (nudge, nudge) and probably doesn’t work anyway (it does work.)

Thanks in advance for your cooperation in pagan rituals.

-The Diver