Dear Diver,

I’ve been following the purple Isuzu hit & run ads in the Telegraph. It looks like Little Beaver, private investigator extraordinaire, has been retained to find the rogue auto. I’m a big fan of Beav’s, especially his work recovering Lady Falconburgh. Is the Beaver back in business?

-DG in Durango

OK DG (What does that stand for, anyway? Damn Guilty, I say),

Now that you’ve blown his cover, The Beav has NO HOPE of finding the purple Isuzu. Hadn’t you noticed that Beav sightings in Durango were becoming as rare as a sane Britney Spears outbreak? He’d gone deep undercover. Shaved, even. Seems to me if you were the big fan you say you are, that you’d know enough not to jeopardize any ongoing investigation. Wait, I know. YOU are actually the driver of the Purple Isuzu and are doing everything you can to stymie the poor Beav’s investigation. Why don’t you just fess up and turn yourself in before things get any hairier for you?

– Sincerely, The Diver

Dear Diver,

What’s up the arses of everyone who works at a certain upscale sushi restaurant? It seems to me that most people in Durango are laid back and considerate of one another, but it’s a whole different ball game over there! And don’t even get me started on that bartender! Any advice?

-Stickin’ With Sushitarian

Dear Stickin’ it out:

So, you’ve lived in Durango for many years. Yet you still hanker to put on the big city for the night and go to the “upscale” sushi place. You are correct in your statement that most people in Durango are laid back and considerate. However, this is mostly when they are NOT AT WORK. Put yourself in some of those sushi worker’s shoes. How many times would you be willing to explain “RAW FISH YOU IDIOT, IT’S ALL RAW FISH!” over and over again without getting an attitude? And on top of that, having to explain those prices! With a smile! Now look at the bartender’s problem: All those servers getting attitude from the customer are going to bitch to the bartender. His heaping helping of bad attitude gets increased exponentially! If you’re the unfortunate sap being served at the bar, you are the last in line for the vitriol that started only a table or two away. Table to server to bartender to barstool jockey. It’s the way of the world. Just paste on a big old smile and say, “Please sir, may I have another?” And don’t ask for well done.

– Sincerely, No Sushi for YOU!

Dear Diver,

I have friends who have been known to take a puff occasionally (morning, noon and night) and yet somehow they manage to vote Republican every election season. Is there a legion of conservative druggies out there?

-Mystified in Mancos

Dear Mystified:

First off, what are you doing with Republicans anyway? The fact that you wrote in for help shows a modicum of sense, so we’re off to a good start. No one knows what actually happens when you go into the privacy of the voting booth; so perhaps, just perhaps they’re infiltrating the Republican voting base by spouting all the proper nonsense, actually voting Democrat, and trying to lead all those poor misguided souls into the light, from the right. Either that, or they’ve gotten hold of some of the treated weed that makes you lose all sense. Hey, isn’t that how the Green Party got started? Anyway, get out and vote, because if you don’t vote, you can’t bitch. Start replacing your Republican friends’ weed with oregano so once they wean off the THC they can think straight. (No pun intended.) Once you have them safely ensconced back in the good graces of the Democratic party, then let the partying resume! Once you’ve got them back on the right track, I have a sushi restaurant for you to work on….

– Sincerely, The Diver