Dear Diver

Valentine’s Day is around the corner, and I want to pull out all the stops. (Last year’s Texas Tacos followed by a viewing of “Norbit” didn’t work out so well for my sweetheart). What are your suggestions for the Durango super-date? Please keep it under $200.

– Val •Tine

Val,

The first thing I have to question is, what kind of person did this not “work out so well” for? I think maybe you should reconsider the kind of person you are taking out for the old V-day. Personally, I would have been flattered and sated with the kind of program you put forth. Maybe this year try upping it to two (2) tacos of the Texas variety, and take him/her to see “Deals Gone Bad” on the 8th, because if that’s not baby-making-music, I don’t know what is. Plus, this way, you still have a week before the big day to get a do-over if your significant other doesn’t like your evening. However, you should be frank with yourself and ask why you are still dating someone who doesn’t like doing the same things as you.

– Your Diver in a Time of Cholera

Dear Diver,

I’m currently planning a spring getaway and need some help selecting a destination. We’re on a budget and don’t want to drive for 20 hours. So we’ve narrowed our choices to an all-inclusive in Cancun, four

days in charming Orlando, Fla., or a week of camping in Ariz. My wife wants to sit on the beach; the kids are begging for time with Mickey and Donald; and I just want to sit in the desert. Please help!

– Dan the Dad

Danny Boy,

I’m a little confused about the not wanting to drive 20 hours, but then choosing Cancun or Orlando. I’ll just assume that you are flying. I do not think Cancun is the kind of place to take your kids. But then, I don’t think Disney is the kind of place to take kids either.  I say plan a camping trip where you will all learn how to make an igloo and read books to each other (yes, real books, with pages and everything). If the kids don’t want to do that, they can pay their own way to hang out with Mickey and Donald. They’ll find out how magical that kingdom is real fast. Basically, you need to be “Dan the Man with the Plan.” Pick a place and go with it. If nobody likes it, they canplan the next family outing. Or send the wife and kids on ahead while you stay home “sick.” Then you can do whatever you want in the desert.

– El Diver

Dear Diver,

Some friends and I have a running debate and need your help finding the answer. The question is, what’s the ultimate American muscle car? I know the options are almost limitless, but in our circle we’ve narrowed the choices down to the Chevy Camaro and the Trans-Am, both circa 1980. What do you think?

– Bernie in Bayfield

Dearest Bernard,

After some in-depth research, I am still stymied by this question. The choice would have been easy if both cars came with the optional “T-tops” in the 1980 model year. Sadly, they are only available on the Trans-Am. So, the Camaro would have to be the winner simply based on the fact that nobody sings a song about the Trans-Am that could rival the automotive loyalty created by The Dead Milkmen’s “Bitchin’ Camaro.” But I also feel your pain. I know a man doesn’t rock a mullet for nothin,’ you wanna let that baby fly when you unwind your beast on the highways and byways. I say the Camaro wins because of the musical homage. But, you’ll need to get a dashboard-mounted fan for optimum hair flowage. However, if you need a car to prove your masculinity, you have more problems than choosing between Chevy and Pontiac. The car does not make the man. Happy motoring.

– The Driving Diver