Passing the stress test

Your hair, a disheveled mess; your eyes could get you an audition to co-star with Ben Stein on the “Clear Eyes” commercials, and your nails are bitten down to stubs reminiscent of a 12-year-old boy’s. As a matter of speaking, you have taken on the appearance of a deranged and dangerous soccer mom. You have yet to notice that sock sticking to your butt, unintentionally acquired from the hamper in the bathroom as you down your third cup of coffee and gyrate your way through the day … and it’s only Monday. Your days are filled with the ordinary hustle and bustle of everyday life, coupled with the usual onslaught of spreadsheets, meetings, deadlines, presentations and manifests. Combine this with the smorgasbord of “employee tracking devices:” cell phones, pagers, laptops, desktops, blackberries, etc and it is clear. You are suffering from what is known in the medical profession as “stressedoutuvyorgord,” also known as latent office aversion. Luckily, if caught in time, a total breakdown, loss of sanity and dissolving of personal relationships can be avoided.

With the amount of stress rampant in today’s working world, it is important to have some sort of regimen you can commit to when nearing the threshold of wanting to have yourself committed. Stress-related issues are prevalent worldwide, so much so that Japan has its own word for sudden death due to overwork: “karoushi.” English interpretation: “You can take your spreadsheet and shove it where the sun don’t shine.” Before deciding that your personal level of anxiety is so far off the charts that you have resigned yourself to abandoning all earthly possessions, hiring a sherpa and hiking to the top of the tallest mountains to pray with Buddhist monks, maybe one of the following could serve as an alternative.

One of the more popular options in our neck of the woods is good, old-fashioned exercise. While our Southern neighbors hide from the humidity, our immediate proximity to the beautiful mountain landscape, the 300-plus days of sunshine a year and dry climate provides a big aerobics class right outside your door, with the notable absence of a man in Spandex and an afro. In our little berg, there is a litany of activities to engage in including, but not limited to: hiking, biking, jogging, walking, tubing, rafting, skiing, snowboarding, snowshoeing and “freestyle skipping.” Basically, it’s an outdoor enthu

siast’s heaven. Due to a few minutes of physical activity and the natural release of serotonin, you are cleverly fooled into believing that everything is actually OK. You begin to feel lighter and euphoric. For those new to the area, what you actually could be experiencing is altitude sickness, so please remember to drink lots of water. Proper equipment is always a plus. So get out there donned in your helmet, knee pads, elbow pads, wrist guards, tooth guard, shin guards and butt pads and sweat your way to a new and stress-free you. For the accident prone, a plastic bubble is ideal.

Another route to try for the less athletically inclined is the spa option. Fortunately, they come in all kinds, ranging from affordable to “extra snooty,” so you can be sure to find one that fits both your comfort level and your budget. These “Shrines of Sanity” offer everything from the mani-pedi package to the less-conventional kelp body wrap surrounded by aromatherapy candles with names like “Calming Breeze,” all the while listening to soothing sounds of the ocean. A Swedish massage might do the trick, relaxing your muscles and releasing tension while being rubbed down by an Adonis named Sven. It seems, and studies are being conducted currently, that a cool breeze while gazing upon a hot man does wonders for stress levels. So whether or not you are getting your “boyish nubs” redone, or masquerading as a mermaid for a few hours, spas are an appealing option to consider.

Unconventional ways to combat this nasty stress condition are plentiful. It is said that B-12 is an essential vitamin that is in direct proportion to depression and feelings of well-being. So why not just stand in the office eating a chicken and drinking a big tall glass of milk? Although your co-workers may look at you sideways and your boss may interpret the behavior as being anti-productive, you are doing them a favor, and they will thank you later. Another office tip: tone down on the coffee, soda, caffeinated beverages and drink water by the jug full. This may create many, many trips to the bathroom, but assure others there is nothing wrong; you are just healthy and stress free. A suggestion that could be thrown out to the “higher ups” would be to install a misting sprinkler system throughout the office to prevent dehydration and, in turn, prevent stress. This could result in a raise for you for being so “forward thinking” and “on top of things.”

Some have devoted entire rooms in their house to relaxation. Move the furniture around feng shui style to start that positive energy flow. If a dresser by chance ends up in front of the door, do not upset the flow, move the door. Put on a yoga DVD and twist and bend your body into abnormal positions and feel the bad feelings dissipate. Ignore those pulled muscles and spasms. Paint the walls a light green, play some elevator music, dim the lights, buy a soothing water fall and practice breathing. Try to only practice the breathing in your special room. You wouldn’t want to unintentionally startle someone into thinking you were having an asthma attack.

No matter what your preference may be, it is imperative that you have a way to relax, sit back and proverbially smell the roses. If the stress is allowed to keep on building, it could result in very serious consequences, including insomnia, loss of appetite, memory loss, errors, tantrums, anti-social behavior or incredibly annoying nervous habits like pen tapping and throat clearing. Finding something that works for you will lead to good hair, good skin, overall attractiveness and most likely, fame and fortune. To be honest, probably not, but you will become less of a pain in the rear for people at the office to deal with and thus acquiring new friends and happiness will abound … maybe. It’s a win, win situation!

– Renee Johns