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Dear Diver, I just had my in-laws in town, as well as my husband’s aunt. Well, I caught my husband’s aunt using my deodorant! Come on, the family makes 20 trips to Wal-Mart, and this woman can’t buy deodorant? I’m disgusted. Should I tell my in-laws? – Ali, via e-mail Dear Ali, It is a common fact that in the Kanga Kanga region of southern Sri Lanka, the Umber wolves, roll in each others’ feces in order to assimilate themselves into the pack. Similar to the way professional sports teams wear matching uniforms to register friend from foe, only grosser. Except for the Cleveland Browns, but that’s an issue for another day. Your husband’s aunt is simply attempting to become one of your family, and we feel she’s picked the less disgusting way to accomplish this. -Divers Diver, It’s softball season again, and the jerks are out! Last night, one of the guys on the other team hit the weakest grounder back to our pitcher. As he was running to first base, he was yelling “throw me out *&^%$#,” and the pitcher did. He was out. They then blew their lead, and we won. Why do some people take a silly softball game so seriously that their actions make them look like complete idiots? Is it because they were poor athletes as kids and most likely have small penises? I think that was definitely the case with this guy. – Mac, via e-mail Dear Mac; It’s not just softball that brings out the bratty juvenile in us. It’s all recreational sports. It doesn’t matter if it’s hockey, softball, basketball or bad mitten. Let’s understand that 99 percent of us who played organized sports in high school/college lost the very last game we ever competed in. Very few of us went on to win the state championship and end it all on that highest of high notes. And we’ve been carrying that around for years, looking for our opportunity to redeem ourselves for whiffing, fumbling, bobbling, blowing and losing that big game. On another note: the medical and athletic communities have proven that a small penis actually helps make you a much better softball player. -Divers Hey Diver, My husband is becoming a real pretentious jerk when it comes to music and pop culture. He is constantly talking about how “cool” he is because he likes all this hip, obscure music, and he blasts me for liking Pearl Jam and the Wallflowers. What’s wrong with me liking what I like? He then has this “theory” that he is cooler than everyone else because he doesn’t act “cool” or try to be in some form of “scene.” I just want to put him in his place. Any suggestions? – Dawn Dear Dawn, Please tell your husband to quit picking on you just because he’s mad at himself for grounding out to the pitcher during his last softball game. – Divers |
