The envelope, please

by Lindsay Nelson

At the risk of sounding like the grammar curmudgeon that graces the “C” section in the Herald every Sunday, I have to get a little tick off my chest. I hate the phrase “takes place,” as in “the Snowdown action takes place Jan. 31,” or, “I don’t know what will take place tomorrow night, but I plan to be drunk at least.” It sounds wrong, outdated, uninteresting. What’s worse, it’s not in any way grammatically incorrect. “Take” is one of the most versatile, multi-use verb/noun words in the English language, and the idiom “take place” is an acceptable way to say “happen.” You can take on a challenge, give your take on a film, be on the take, take five, or watch your tomatoes take. So why is “take place” so damn irritating? If you can think of a good reason, if I’m not alone in this, please do let me know – insanity loves company.

Tonight the Durango Chamber of Commerce presents it annual awards program at the Concert Hall. Last year, Greg Brady from “The Brady Bunch” (you don’t need to know his real name, nobody else remembers it either) was there to lend his washed-up, child-of-the-’70s, TV-star glamour to the whole shindig. This year, no one formerly famous will be in attendance, unless you count Mark Larson. The event is “truly a celebration of the entire community” – and it only costs $30 to get in. So while the elite members of the community are recognized for their socially acceptable forms of service and for being polite and not broaching local politics in public using their real names, let’s recognize some of our own favorite servants:

• Distinguished Dope Cultivator of the Year: Ken Panzarella, in honor of the volume, scope and depth of his pursuit of an illegal cash crop.

• Outstanding Tolerance Award: All City Market employees who man the self-checkout lanes, for any human who can withstand the endless repetition of the computerized voice chirping “Please scan your Value Card or One-Two-Three Rewards MasterCard now; if you do not have a ValueCard….” deserves a medal.

• Big Business of the Year: Wal-Mart, for its embodiment of the values of corporate greed, corner-cutting and worker exploitation that began with the Industrial Age robber barons and live on globally in the name of Sam Walton.

• Courageous Little Guy Award: Orio’s Roadhouse, for standing up to the lawmakers, opinion leaders and attorneys who did not appreciate them noticing the special-interest loophole written into the 2006 Clean Air Act and taking advantage of it.

• Whiner of the Year: You know who you are. Shut up.

Award plaques will be mailed to the winners upon receipt of the nonrefundable $20 entrance fee. Send cash only, care of the Durango Telegraph.

Once the floors have been swept of tear-sodden tissues discarded by disappointed losing nominees at the Chamber event, the Community Concert Hall at Fort Lewis College welcomes on Friday the Durango band Formula 151. The band and its new CD, “Yesterday’s Tomorrow” is described by the Concert Hall publicity material as “highly energized acoustic-rock, while cleansing the palette of even classical listeners.” I have no idea what that means. Is it palate cleansing, in the way of a nice gelato, just spelled wrong? Or do they refer to the artist’s palette of color being cleansed by the acoustic rock-ness of this band? The answer shall remain elusive, but it’s not often you see local musicians on the stage of the big old Concert Hall, so maybe you stop by Friday for the 7:30 p.m. show. And if you have a “Buy Local” sticker on any of your possessions, you are morally obligated to extend that philosophy to your entertainment spending – it doesn’t just apply to the Farmers Market.

Another local band of which you have heard much mention in this paper, the Lawn Chair Kings, play Friday night at the storied Billy Goat Saloon in Gem Village. It will be the perfect combination of garage country and dingy roadside tavern, college kids and roughneck locals. It might be enough to prepare the intrepid bar-concert connoisseur for Saturday’s night of Losers and Kings in the Hollywood Bar of Dolores. The Beautiful Losers pair up with their King-dred spirits of the Lawn Chair for a night of rock ’n’ roll á la Wilco and BR-549. It starts at 8 and will go late into the night, all for just $5.

If you’re looking for fun, different and slightly disturbing, look no further than the Abbey Theatre on Sunday night. There you will find Digital Underground, of which very little is revealed by name alone. In truth, Digital Underground is a wacked-out funk troupe populated by Shock-G, Money-B and D.J. Fuze (of Raw Fusion fame), strange characters such as Peanut-Hakeem Humpty-Hump and M.C. Blowfish, and an ever-revolving group of auxiliary members. Yes, Shock-G and them are the guys who did “The Humpty Dance” and “Doowutchyalike!” back there in old 1990. Now they’re on to their fifth album, entitled “Who Got the Gravy,” out on Jake Records. Here, Shock introduces the world to another character, Peanut-Hakeem Anafu Washington, and Mon lets loose on tracks and lets the world know that we need more “Man’s Girls” around, a question that has plagued many of us for years. The show starts at 10 p.m., tickets are best purchased in advance, and if any remain they will be sold at the door. Digital Underground is truly the original Hump. For National Public Radio, I’m Lindsay Nelson. Buy a tote bag.

Got issues? Write me. lindsay_damico@yahoo.com. •