Dear Diver

I am a single woman who recently moved to Durango, and I don’t care what they say about the odds being good, because the goods are odd. Let me tell you, I’ve met some real doozies. Here’s a hint guys: Crying on a first date (with the exception of death in the family or accidental dismemberment) is a major no-no. Anyway, I meet a guy who appears half decent, and we’re going mountain biking and hit a steep climb and all of a sudden he yells “Push It!” from behind me. Like he’s some sort of personal trainer or Lance Armstrong or something. Is there any hope in this town or should I consider my other “options?”

– Debby Not Doing Durango

Dear Debby,

I think you might be hanging out at Orio’s a little too much. I always see guys crying in there late at night, and I think it’s because they ran out of hot dogs again. Here’s a hint: Don’t try to pick up the bartenders at El Rancho, I’ve heard nothing but horror stories, and Davis is a little emotional. Anyway, check out my bar, Falcs on a Monday afternoon. There are some keepers down here buying $2 drafts!! And if that fails, Chumpy is usually at the bar, although he did just get married. Stick around ’til the crowd hits for pint nite, and you are sure to find a hot date. That’s how I snagged my man. Turns out the guys in this town are ski, bike and water crazy so if you ain’t down, keep on movin’ sista! They don’t give up their kayaks and K2s without a fight. As far as your “other options” go, you can claim to be a newly transferred student to The Fort and blame it on your college years. That’s what the rest of us did.

– Happy Hunting, Diver

 Dear Diver,

My husband I are expecting our first child this winter. We are very excited but also a little nervous. We are particularly nervous about the topic of names. We want something original without being too over the top or pretentious. Plus, we need to be careful that we don’t give him or her a name that will haunt them the rest of their lives or will lead to teasing. Another consideration is being too trendy. What are your ideas for good names? (We do not know the gender and are not going to find out until D-Day, so if you could up with a few for each sex, that would be great.)

– Somewhere between Jacob and Jezebel

Dear Name Game,

Congrats on the first born! I can see how choosing a name would be stressful but my best advice is go with your gut. As long as you aren’t picking names that would remind each other of old lovers or college “friends,” I think you are in the clear. Someone told me they would dub their child, No. 2 until he was old enough to name himself. I don’t know if that’s the best idea but hey, this is coming from a lawyer so it might work out. Maybe don’t pick a number that refers to bathroom gestures. In fact, I would go beyond the number 5. When in doubt you can always name the little bug Chuck Norris so that he is sure to be a badass. 

-Diver

Dear Diver,

How come everyone who has those “Respect Life” license plates drives like they’re going to kill someone?

-Cautious Carl

Dear Carl,

Irony makes the world go round! It’s not love or money that keeps us moving through space, silly, it’s the simple fact that a day without irony would be a bad day. Besides, I think those people pay the extra $10 for the pretty purple plates with the columbine on it not the motto that stands behind it. I’m assuming you are cheap like me, and purchased the regular green and white mountain-scaped plates that look so lovely on all these hybrids I have been seeing. It’s OK. I won’t tell. My advice for you Carl, TAKE A WALK! Stop driving for a few days and I promise you will feel the anger start to cease. Just look both ways before you cross the street, we have some crazy drivers in this town.

-Driver, I mean Diver