‘Foxgraf,' arts & crafts, and farm animals

by Lindsay Nelson

Open Letter to Our Readers: The founders and original editors of the Durango Telegraph are excited (horrified) to announce today that the newspaper has joined one of the largest and most respected (feared) media groups in the world – News Corp. Under the careful (dictatorial) hand (bludgeon) of billionaire entrepreneur Rupert Murdoch, the Durango Telegraph will now be a part of the new millennial paradigm of quality (crapulent) journalism and entertainment.

Transfer of ownership of the Telegraph will be finalized later this week, when an undisclosed (couldn’t pay me enough) sum of money will be transferred to the former owners of the newspaper, who plan to retire from the business to pursue “other interests” (beer and mountain biking). Once the enterprise has changed hands, readers may look forward to some exciting improvements (destruction is inevitable). First, the offices of the Telegraph will move from their dingy, outdated quarters above Starbucks Coffee (soon to be StarFox, featuring Rupert’s Blend) to a penthouse office suite atop the 10-story Animas Ridge Condos/Fox Tower building, upon which construction is to begin in September. Perched atop Hogsback, the state-of-the-art building will be serviced by gondolas and, of course, a helipad for Mr. Murdoch’s fleet of helicopters. All contributors will be required to sign contracts of noncompetition (sell their souls and firstborn children) in order to work for the newspaper, and all contributions shall be vetted for inappropriate (noncorporate and subversive) content.

The newspaper itself will expand to a daily product, featuring business, consumer, real estate and financial market news tailored to the Durango audience. Each Friday, a special “Green Page” will appear on page 22, featuring a brief collection of “enviro” (whitewashed polluter justifications) news that we know you readers will enjoy. Popular features such as “Ask the Diver” and “Thumbin’ It” will remain a part of the newspaper, but with a more “fair and balanced” (classic Fox propaganda) approach, in keeping with the ethical center of the company that brings you Bill O’Rielly and “Wife Swap.” As for “The Underground,” its author, after being advised of a few routine guidelines regarding content, took the unfortunate step of telling Sr. Editorial Supervisor Alice Klement to “F*** off.” She will not disturb you again, dear readers. (She’s dead). In her place we are proud to introduce you to Mr. Adam Howell, a man who, if he knows anything, knows how to run a weekly newspaper.

We are excited about the first issue of the FoxGraf, coming to a newsstand, webcast and cable network near you, on Sat., August 32. Come on and join us – the Kool-Aid’s quite tasty.

~Rupert Murdoch, News Corp., Emperor of the World

World domination got you down? There’s really no better way to chill out and forget your troubles than by drinking large mugs of beer, eating free food and yelling over the din of music, dogs, kids and industrial traffic. This week’s Ska B Q features reggae DJ I Gene, and plenty of good suds to keep your mind off the loss of everything you once held dear. Come early for a bite to eat, stay late for the dogfights and drunken hacky-sack. A better time can’t be had on a Thursday night near summer’s end, at least not for us working-class folk.

The well-heeled among you may be more inclined to dance the night away (all the way until 9 p.m., maybe even 9:30) with the Jeff Solon Swing’n Big Band out at the Dalton Ranch Golf Club Pavilion, starting at 6 p.m. Show off your swing dancing skills, bring a friend plus $20, and don’t even think about wearing jeans.

This weekend marks the return of the Durango Arts Festival (formerly known as the Main Avenue Arts Festival), a two-day, car-free explosion of arts and crafts on the street in downtown Durango. White tents pop up like mushrooms on the asphalt of Main Avenue between 7^th and 10^th Streets as more than 100 regional and national artists display their wares amid special kids’ activity stations, a food court and beer garden. For the 14^th year, the the Arts Festival provides an opportunity to observe artists’ diverse creations while drinking beer and wandering the street without a flood of cars and trucks whizzing by. (Just be sure to avoid driving anywhere else in downtown this weekend.) Live music will fill the Main Ave. stage all weekend long, featuring local bands with a variety of sounds, including the Lawn Chair Kings, Staboola McPet, Formula 151 and many more. Even if you know you can’t afford any art, you can darn sure afford free music and a $3, plastic, 12-ounce cup of local beer.

Here’s another reason to go to Dolores: Escalante Days, Friday through Saturday, includes a parade, bicycle rodeo, Galloping Goose rides, live music and more. It’s a place to escape once the crushing monotony of Durango in early August becomes too much.

Also, there is the annual La Plata County Fair, which started yesterday and goes until Sunday. Go down to the fairgrounds and see real live animals and children in Wranglers; check out the prize-winning pies, quilts, photographs, pipecleaner dolls and suckling pigs. Not to mention the carnies. While Fox Towers is still under construction up on Hogsback, it’s nice to remind yourself of the rural base, the silent majority that makes up La Plata County – for now. Between art on Main and goats on 26^th Street, it’s going to be a busy weekend. •

Lindsay_damico@yahoo.com.