Diver,

Don’t you think this column is better off answering some serious questions, instead of stupid jokes regarding smoking, hippies, hippies smoking pot, weird relationships and people with BO? This is your chance to get to some serious problem solving, not to mention (I agree with the soapbox letter of a few weeks ago) featuring some of the backbone of our community, not just college kids passing time while waiting tables or washing dishes in various local businesses. What do you think?

– Jenny

Well Jenny,

Although I am not the backbone of the community anymore, I still serve as a pillar of excellence and advice not only in Durango but for the rest of this side of the mighty Mississippi. So, let’s say, I agree with you. What I do need to say though, is this column needs to give a shake to the crystal meth addicts of the community. The time they spend awake with their brains going about a million miles per hour surely has got to prove fruitful to the troubled citizens of Durango. Solving problems about hippies is easy, just drive

them to the state line and forget about them. But the rest of us? Yes, there needs to be a voice. You can be Diver next week.

– Thanks,

Mike

Diver,

Don’t you think the smoking ban is cutting back on production? I mean, you used to be able to smoke in the workplace, resulting in no cigarette breaks. Now, people go out for 15 minutes every hour for a smoke. Over the course of an eight-hour day, that is two hours. I make my employees clock out for their breaks, or I make them work an extra two hours. Do you think this is unfair?

– Smokey

Smokey,

As I hunch over my computer chain smoking Parliaments I must say, you are right! These smoking slackers have never had it so easy, and of course, we must blame those fat-cats in Denver. What the hell is an additional two hours? Of course we must consider the fact that the heavy smokers are probably taking about five to 10 years off their lives, so their time is too short on this Earth to work an extra two hours a day. So it’s time for me to flip flop…give these weak-willed jackasses a break and let them smoke, the sooner they are off the planet the better.

– Mike

Diver,

I went out on a date with this girl recently. She got really drunk, got into this altercation in a bar, then started saying I would fight the people she was arguing with. She actually said “my boyfriend will kick your ass” or something. Well, I got my ass kicked … and I’m pissed. Any revenge suggestions?

– Johnny

Johnny,

My advice to you is to go out with her again, get really drunk, find some girls, and instigate a fight between the ladies. Good times and good feelings will soon follow. Nothing is better than a girlfight. The internet loves girl fights, too. I know a few websites that will actually pay for video footage of your girl fight, so don’t forget that camera! All right, it’s a girl fight!

– Mike