Dear Diver,

Our family just returned from a funeral. After every family funeral, my one aunt talks and talks about how people reacted to the death – who cried, who didn’t, who said something nice, who didn’t. It’s like she’s bragging or something. I think she enjoys this! Is this common for some people? Am I wrong for thinking that her reacting this way is wrong, or is this part of her grieving process? I think it’s sick!

– Anon

Dear Funeral Crasher,

Sounds like your Auntie could use a little more social interaction. It is apparent to me that she doesn’t have much of a life and this is her idea of a social gathering. Maybe you should take her out on Friday nights to the Lost Dog with your friends so she can have a good time. Maybe she is lacking that special somebody to share her life with. I think you are just the guy to maybe hook her up with a friend on a blind date so she can have her own business to worry about instead of what the family is doing at the funeral. Hey, good luck.

– The Diver

Dear Diver,

I work in the food service industry, and I have to deal with all types of folks. I used to be a lot better with the paying customers, but I’ve gotten to be a big-old grump anymore. When people walk in the restaurant I work at, I glare at them. I actually would like to be Mr. Glad at work, but it just doesn’t work that way. I’vevfound myself justifying my crabbiness; telling myself that it’s totally fine to treat customers like crap – like I DESERVE TO DO IT!! I know that some of you diversvhave to double-duty with the people – tell me this: how do you fend off the pure anger that develops toward those who demand your services?

– Sincerely, Jake the Snake

Dear Mr. Snake,

I can relate to you because I have also been known as the server with the “attitude problem” before. When I encountered this problem in the past, I found
that if I talked badly of, made fun of, and mocked my customers while in the wait station and smiled while at the table, everything worked out for everyone. See, while I was making the tip that I wanted from the table, I was also providing comic relief from the gluttony and stupidity of my customers while in the wait station. I found that this helped me immensely, because in the end, I always knew I was better than them even though I was the one who was making $2.13 an hour for pure misery.

– Sincerely, The Diver

P.S. It’s always good to be aware of who is listening when you are on a tirade.

 
Hey Diver,

Is it rude to tell a friend that you are scared shitless to drive in a car with him? Not because he drinks and drives, or gets high and drives, but because when he is sober, he can’t drive. I just took a major car ride with this person and insisted he pull over and let me drive when on three occasions he crossed the yellow line into oncoming traffic because he was looking everywhere but the road. Ridiculous. I was polite and said, “You are scaring the shit out of me, I want to drive” and he got very offended. Is wanting to live rude?

– Mike

Dear Mike,

That is a silly question, Mike, of course it is rude to want to live. I’ll humor your question anyway, though. I’ve always found that it isn’t always exactly what you say that could possibly offend your drunk, stoner, Andretti driving friend, but how you say it. If you were to calmly and tactfully tell him that he deserves a yellow license plate from New Mexico, and that you would rather walk to Minneapolis than ride there with him, I’m sure he’d be fine with that and let you drive. But then again, if you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much space, so quit acting like my whiney grandma, you backseat driver.

– Sincerely, The Diver