Diver,

I have this friend who moved to the area where I live. I’ve known this friend for years and bring her around my new friends every so often. However, she’s an embarrassing mess. My new friends don’t like her, I tell them I’m just doing some charity work for an old friend. However, it’s getting ridiculous. Should I just start completely blowing her off? My friends think she’s a psycho, and she is!

– Walt

Walt,

I’m sorry that your childhood friend hasn’t grown up to be the sort of person you want to associate with. Take a few things into consideration, though. Does she know any deep, dark secrets about your youth that you are hiding? Is she cashing that monthly check you give her for keeping her mouth shut about your past? If she has any dirt on you, let her act out in any way she pleases. How did she find you this time anyway? I would call your case manager at the witness relocation center ASAP. They will help you to try to shake her again.

– Good luck in your new town, Diver

Dear Diver,

I’ve been dating this girl and since it’s an election, we are finally getting into these political discussions. Well, I had no idea, but she is a hardcore Republican, and the messed up part is, very proud of her German heritage and saying she’s a descendant of Hitler. Now I’m not saying all Republicans are Nazis, but she sure is. The thing is, she is awesome except when discussing these very deep beliefs, which is seldom. Should I just blow this off?

– Jim

Jim,

Should you just blow your repulsion of her deep beliefs off? I say now, blow off the whole relationship. Completely. Politics and dating do not mix ...is this really an election year? I haven’t seen Rock the Vote on MTV yet. How about asking out a nice Italian liberal who’s possibly a long lost Gotti? The mafia is very family oriented and only occasionally discusses politics of local waste management. Forget this “American History X” and date someone who thinks “Citizen of the Year” is Tony Soprano, not Hitler.

– Call me, Diver

Dear Diver,

My husband recently started smoking again, and he chooses not to use ashtrays. He just throws his butts on the ground, all over our porch, in the plants, everywhere. I mean smoking is pretty damn gross, but this is grosser, especially when our young children will dig in the planters and pick up his cigarette butts. Jesus, he can’t even take a second to put the damn thing into an empty bottle or something … so I don’t know what to do except vent in this form because the guy won’t listen to me.

– Jennie

Dear B****, I mean, Jennie,

Your wife, I mean husband, is just getting back into the habit and certainly has to relearn her, I mean, his, smoking etiquette. She, sorry he and friend, (I’m sure this friend is sorry for possibly contributing to the problem) may have been led to believe that cigarette butts are decorative and help plants thrive. They (assuming there is a partner in crime) probably don’t drink, so therefore there wouldn’t be an empty bottle handy for the butts. As for the small children picking up the butts, that isn’t good and I’m sure she, I mean he or they, are sorry. I think that friend of your wife, oops again, husband used to peel chewed gum off the roads when she, (damn) he, was a kid. So what kind of example are they anyway? We, I mean, they will read this column and nip it in the butt soon.

– Forgive us, The Diver.