Diver,

My friend consistently falls in love with gay men. When her friendship with each guy starts to develop then doesn’t go beyond a certain point, she gets angry, surprised and then lashes out. I try to tell her when this starts, saying things like “he’s gay, this will go nowhere,” but she doesn’t listen. Any advice for her?

– Concerned friend

Dear Concerned,

What the *@#! do you think our job is here? You know, it’s morons like yourself that give us the opportunity to “lash out” as you put it. What do you know, maybe it will go somewhere. Tell your friend to attend the next Hotmops show, maybe the ultra-sexual love rock can help her out. She might even be able to convert the ever popular Chazz McFlash. 

- We don’t know, Divers

Hey Diver,

Are modern electronics the decline of civilization? When I’m in public, I notice most people are locked into their cell phones, talking to someone far away. Or listening to their Ipods, being reclusive. There is very little public conversation these days on subways, busses or city streets. Therefore, to meet people, I must go to a bar, which I loathe. Hell, even my nieces and nephews who are in high school are so locked into their cell phones they’ll call people who are either right next door or down the hall. It’s silly. What can we do?

– Nick

Oh Nick-

You must realize that the rise in electronic use is one last desperate attempt at drowning out your relentless bitching. I understand that you don’t enjoy the bars; I probably wouldn’t enjoy constant rejection either. Didn’t I explain this to you last night at El Rancho? Desperation is never flattering on a boy of your age.

– When will you learn? Diver

Diver,

When my son was little, he was diagnosed with a “lazy eye” – you know, when one eye drifts away from the other. Well, they cured it by making him wear an eye patch for a month. Now he’s 18, and he’s back to wearing the eye patch, just for the “style” he says, which is ridiculous. He looks like a moron! What can I do?

 – Jenny

Jenny,

What can you do? You can buy your son a bottle of Visine and accept the real fact at hand. I encourage you to join your son in his healthy, newfound hobby. If you don’t, we will.

– Pass ‘er to the left, Diver