Diver,

A funny thing happened to me the other day. I’m driving along in the right lane, eastbound on 32nd Street, right by City Market. As I was turning right onto Riverview, some dipshit in a beat-up Scout changed lanes and hit my vehicle! We pulled over, exchanged info, and then he tears into me about this being my fault. I insist on calling the police, filing a report etc., all the while this guy telling me it’s my fault. Police show up, he pleads his case to the cop, and the cop says it’s his fault, writes him a ticket, etc. Now I just got a call from this guy’s lawyer, and he’s suing me! I have a lawyer and all will be OK, but I guess I’m just looking for some cruel advice or action I can take in the courtroom. Any suggestions?

– Victim

Dear Victim,

People who sue other people for stupid reasons suck. I fully urge you to make enemies with this person. Here’s what you need to do: start by letting your dog do his business in your enemy’s yard and never clean it up. Then follow him to the grocery store, wait for him to go in, and park your car so close to his driver’s side door that he can’t open it. Find out where he works and get one of your friends to be his customer from hell. These may sound like harsh consequences, but he has brought them upon himself.

 –Make love, not war, The Diver

Diver,

I just started going back to church, and the priest who delivers the sermons is all full of Southern fire and brimstone. He’s actually got the whole congregation scared into being good, through yelling and discipline. Does God only hear threats, or does a whispered prayer get heard?

– Jimmy

Geez,

When did these questions get so serious? Usually the questions have to do with road rage, tattoos, why you can’t pick up chicks at the Ranch, and 2LiveCrew concerts at the cowboy bar. Most of us divers like to keep things nice and simple. We leave the God stuff to the managers.

                                                                          –Diver

Dear Diver,

I’m sick of the negative attention my tattoos bring! I know tattoos are “in” these days, but you’d be surprised how many people ask me stupid questions like “are those real” or “did that hurt?” I’m usually quite polite, but I’m to a point where I’m sick of people’s lack of understanding. Should I retaliate with lines like, “Does your face hurt? It’s killing me!” What do you think?

                                                                           –Beth

Dear Beth,

I’ve always wanted to get a tattoo. But I want it on my foot, and I think it will hurt too bad. Hey, is one of your tattoos on your foot? Did that hurt? How about on your back ... did that hurt less than on your foot? Did you draw your own, because maybe we could get together and you could help me pick something out. Hey, that sounds like fun! Thanks for all your help!

                                        –Glad to answer your question, The Diver