Hey Diver,

My friend’s been watching my child two days a week. Well, my 2-year-old son is a biter, and he’s been biting my friend’s daughter but never breaking skin. Well, my friend asked my husband what she can do to discipline him, and my husband said “bite him back,” and she did! I don’t feel safe with my son over there, but this is cheaper than day care. What to do?

– Mom in Mancos

Mom,

Biters come in all shapes and sizes, and I can only wonder if your husband isn’t a closet biter himself, which explains the family tendency and him secretly trying to recruit your friend into this fringe cult. Frankly, the “biting-him-back” thing won’t work. You need to muzzle your child. A good strong muzzle will not only keep him from harming other playmates but will force him to work on coordination skills as he feeds himself through the 2-milimeter gap in his bite! When safety and love are limited by your need for a cheap alternative, a muzzle is your best option!

– Love those little nippers, Diver Kip

Diver,

I was recently at a wedding and a man we didn’t know sat down at our table and did not shut up the entire time. He bombarded us with personal questions about what we do, where we live and various other things, and his interest was so not-genuine as it was sickening. He actually said “I have good friends that live in Durango, but I can’t remember their names!” Aren’t you sick of people who just blather on and on at events, filling the air with wasted words because they aren’t confident in just sitting and having a regular conversation? Is it me?

– Bill

Bill,

To be honest, I have good friends in Durango, and I can’t remember their names either … I think your rambling wedding guest is a situation we all find ourselves in at times. Here is what you do the next time you fall prey to an over-talker. Start making stuff up. Give the rest of the people at the table some entertainment. The next time he has to breathe, mention that you were born with three kidneys or you spent a year in a Thai prison. Tell him your Great Aunt Charlotte makes Tortilla origami. Make nonsense up, and the table will love to watch you spin the harmless lies you are telling to his face.

– You should see my webbed toes! Diver Kip

Hey Diver,

My son just got a job as a bouncer at one of your local “rough” bars. Every mother wants her child to work, but not in a bar every night. Worse yet, he’s had the job for about a month and now he has this whole “tough guy” bouncer persona. It’s not like my little boy! I want him to find a real job, what do you suggest?

– Lauren

Lauren,

Which bar is our “rough” bar? Frankly, I think you need to reassess how bad it really is to be a bouncer in this town. Your son is a bouncer but really how “tough guy” can you get in a town that puts out a holiday shopping theme called “Holidazzle?” Your bouncer son is probably, at worst, busting up fights over some guys maraschino cherry or secretly watching Patrick Swayze movies. Leave him alone in his fantasy and cut the umbilical cord you still have wrapped around his (insert inappropriate body part). Your little boy will soon try to pick a fight with some guy tougher than him (say… carrying a handbag) and will get his attitude corrected. It’ll be a “Bad, Bad Leroy Brown,” thing and you can get him into another job with even less advancement opportunities. The kids will always come running home since they are still living there anyway.

– Don’t make me slap you with my Tevas, Diver Kip