Dear Diver,

You know how you’ll sometimes buy a bag of chips and it’s only a third of the way full of chips? The rest is air? Well, now when I get a latte or some other coffee drink it’s mostly foam. What’s up with that? Is there someone I can write or complain to that will actually help me get more chips, or more coffee?

– Jimmy

My dear, dear Jimmy,

I’m sorry to be the one to break this to you, but no, there is no one to complain to that really cares and/or will do anything about these issues. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s address your real problem. When you buy that bag of chips or latte, you paid for the air just as much as the chips or the espresso and milk. Make better use of what it is you are actually paying for, see the bigger picture. Breathe in the air from the bag; it’s like going on a tour of a chip factory in some exotic locale like Albuquerque or Phoenix. Remember, without the cup, the latte would be undrinkable. Without the frothy milk stuff, it’s really just an espresso. At this point, I really feel compelled to inform you that most of what makes the milky stuff frothy is air. Try using the air in the chip bag and a straw to froth up a regular coffee with cream yourself.

– Diver

Hey Diver,

I work with this woman who has the most annoying habit. Whenever she thinks of a “great” idea, she insists on being very vocal about it. You know what? Nobody in the office cares if her paper clip container is on the left or the right side of her desk. Ignoring her is not helping … what will?

– Mike

Dear Mike,

My first instinct is to tell you find the one thing your co-worker cannot stand and become extremely proficient at that activity. I did this once simply by trimming my fingernails at work when my office nemesis was on the phone. It drove him crazy, and allowed me to enjoy a small part of one day each week. The other, less respectable option, is to approach your immediate supervisor and tell him or her how distracting and unproductive your co-worker is being.  The downside to this approach is you can come off as lazy and unmotivated in everybody’s eyes.

– Diver

Dear Diver,

I noticed this column had a question about a misbehaving dog recently. That misbehaving dog just did about $400 worth of damage to my house! So, the owners are doing what they can to fix the problem, but seriously, how can they fix the $200 door the dog ate through? Should I charge them the full amount to get this stuff fixed? I think I should, but my conscience won’t let me.

 – Hugh

Hugh,

I would politely ask my “friends” to  repair the damage that their dog was responsible. If that doesn’t work, either they are taking advantage of you or they are family; in which case theywilltake advantage of you. Suck it up and move on.  The first step is to find someone, hopefully another part of your own psyche, like your id ( your inner bully) to disable your “conscience” long enough to realize that people ought to be responsible for themselves. And yes that does include one’s own pets and children as well. If you find this too emotionally taxing, put in a doggy door and next time the dog won’t have to chew his way out. Or never let these people and their dog come over ever again.

   – Diver

P.S. I’m going away in the spring for  two weeks, and I was wondering if you could keep an eye on my poisonous snakes . I swear they don’t bite.