Dear Diver,

I constantly read questions in this column with recurring themes. “My daughter dresses like a slut.” “My son has stupid tattoos.” “My sister in law is fat and obnoxious.” “My brothers teach my son curse words.” “Country star Doug Supernaw is a deadbeat dad and a drunk.” You know what? This just shows that everyone is an A-hole and nothing EVER gets solved. So here is a question for you Diver: How can we better the human race?

– Lori via e-mail 

Lori,

Wow ... sounds like my family reunion. And you sound a bit like that guy from Germany many years ago with your “bettering the human race” rant. Don’t you know that neither tattoos, promiscuous sex, Doug Supernaw or 5-year-olds who cuss like sailors are the real problem with the human race (at least you’re getting warmer with the country singer). It’s the narrow-minded folks like you who can’t see the real and problems in the world and instead spend their time worrying about who their fat, tattooed sister is sleeping with. My advice: wake up and smell the pollution. We have much bigger issues with the human race than anything you’ve mentioned.

– Diver

Diver,

I have this friend who constantly takes jokes too far. He’s offensive, crude and downright rude and actually is hurtful. Then, when people get mad, he says, “it’s just a joke.” Then keeps on going. I don’t want him around anymore, his stuff just ain’t funny. What can I do to cut this guy off from my group of friends?

– Jimmy

Jimmy,

My recommendation would be to give him some of his own medicine. What’s this person’s biggest fault? Is it his bad hair, ugly feet, or possibly just his general lack of self-esteem? I know the type, chances are he recites “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh-darnit, people like me” as he brushes his hair in the morning. Well your new job is to remind this person of his own low self-esteem each time he cracks a joke. Eventually, he’ll stop, and he’ll probably cry. Your job then is to comfort him, lest you lose a friend and damage your own ego.

– Diver

Hey Diver,

I’m a freshman here at the Fort. I also live on campus, and I don’t drink or do drugs. I guess I’m the only one. I can’t handle all this partying, and school just started! All my new “friends” say they are so open-minded, don’t mind that I’m straight or whatever but also try to constantly get me to smoke weed and drink. If they don’t care, what’s up with the pressure?

– Freshman who ain’t drunk or stoned

Dear drunk and stoned,

Well, I seem to remember quite a few of these questions comin’ through the ol’ diver column recently. Is this the same person? There can’t be more than one Fort freshman who doesn’t get high. If I remember correctly, there was the girl who called you a loser or something, and then one guy said it was cool that you don’t get down cause it makes you different. Well, I think they’re both wrong. I say stop lying to yourself, you know you want to get high, and your mommy’s not there to check for bloodshot eyes anymore, so just do it, you know you want to ... the next seven years at FLC will be a breeze.

– Diver