Diver

I’ve been talking to a guy online and I want to go meet him. However, my parents are really against this. The guy and I have talked for about six months, and talked on the phone for about three months. I really like him! Should I go see him?

– Lauren

Lauren,

You should invite your parents along for a double date. Better yet invite his parents too, a triple date. That way there is no weirdness. Bring you laptops, go to a wifi restaurant and chat with each other. I suggest Durango Joe’s. They have a fireplace. It is quite romantic, just like a fairy tale. And when it all works out, tell “60 Minutes” so they can do a success story on internet dating. Rooney is always trying to scare America with those stories of the crazy pedophiles that prey on young’uns in chat rooms. That stuff is rare and only in the movies.

 – Diver

Diver,

One of the guys who works in my office constantly eats everyone else’s food out of the communal fridge. This guy goes in and takes little bits out of our lunches. A yogurt here, bag of chips there. It’s lame, he’s busted and then denies it. What should we, as a collective, the co-workers do?

– Hungry worker from Hesperus who works in Durango

Hungry,

I know these types. This is a simple one. I can’t believe you haven’t thought of this. Employees unite! Make yummy foods that a mooch couldn’t resist and bring leftovers, but put laxatives in it. Just sit back and wait. If you really don’t like him, put THC, LSD, PCP, GHB, special K, and any other fun sprinkles on your food. Next tell your boss you are concerned about his health. You think he has some sort of “habit.” Your boss will drug test him. You won’t see him for a long time, except for maybe on the side of the road picking up trash. Do you think he will eat fast food that has been thrown out the window?

 – Devious Diver

Hi Diver,

I’ve read this question in here before, but I need more answers. My friend suddenly became a “punk” rocker. Well, he thinks he is but he listens to lame ass Blink 182, and he’s overly concerned with fashion and his hair. He spends 30 minutes putting his hair into a Mohawk, yet he’s never been to a real hardcore show and has never even done a stage dive! He’s ridiculous! My god, he’s obsessive as a teen-aged girl when it comes to this. What should I do?

– Jim

Jim,

I think I know this guy ... is his name Jeff Meyer? Anyway, tell your friend to watch the documentary on the Minutemen, “We Jam Econo.” I am pretty sure they spent 0 seconds on their “fashion.”  That’s punk. You can’t try to be or look punk. You just are. Does he really think the Minutemen wanted to be punk? NO! Mohawks and diving off stages doesn’t make you punk. Punk is something that is inside of you. It is how you view the world, and how society sees you. If he hasn’t already figured that out, then he will never be a “punk” rocker. Maybe he should try being a hippie; they are a little more accepting.

– Diver