Dear Diver,

I recently had a birthday party for my 6-year-old. Well, one of her friends that came insisted on opening up all of my daughter’s presents and even blew the candles out when we sang happy birthday. This really upset my daughter, so we lit them again, told the friend not to do this, and she did it again. I felt like telling her parents, but didn’t. Now the friend has invited herself to my son’s birthday (both my kids are a year apart and their birthdays are a month apart). How can I un-invite this kid?

- Jan

Jan,

You absolutely can’t un-invite this kid. You blew it when you didn’t speak up after the first party. That’s too bad. I suggest having a ruler handy. Then when the kid tries to blow out candles or reaches for a present that isn’t hers, you can whack her. Good times will prevail.

 - Diver

Diver,

My wife and I keep having the same fight over the proper way to wash pots and pans. She insists on soaking all the dishes

in hot water with soap, then using more soap to clean the dishes. I say soak ’em in hot water, then scrub them with a scouring pad, using no soap! The hot water sterilizes them. She doesn’t understand that the soap destroys the texture of the pot or pan. What are your thoughts on this?

 - Jimmy

Jimmy,

This reminds me of an old joke. Why does a bride wear white? Because the dishwasher should match the washer and dryer! Jesus, does your wife tell you what kind of underwear to put on in the morning, too? Hey man, just be happy she does them. In the meantime, attempt to be the guy that wears the pants in the family, you sissy.

- Diver

Diver,

I’m sick of people coming to my house! I live alone, and for some reason my home is the place for all of my friends to converge on, uninvited, for sporting events, impromptu parties, eating, whatever. Often four or five of them will come in at a time, case of beer in hand, plop down and stay put for hours. I’ll even go into my room and shut the door but they don’t get the hint. How do I make my friends (yes, they are my friends and I love them dearly) go someplace else when I don’t feel like hanging out or having visitors?

- Howie via e-mail

Howie,

Grow some marbles! Kick these people out, it’s your house isn’t it? One thing I can’t stand is passive aggressive behavior. So you go to your room, they stay? Problem unsolved. Dude, confront this problem with some conviction! Or move somewhere where people don’t just drop by. Ignacio is nice. And I hear the pizza in Ignacio is better than the pizza at Homeslice.

- Diver