A sort of homecoming, and gentlemen (and ladies) start your engines

by Ted Holteen

A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.” – Francis Bacon I sure hope he was right. If not, I went AWOL for nothing, and my name will join the ranks of Santa Ana, Joe Gibbs and JFK on the Texas social register. Perhaps that’s overstating my own importance a bit, but it’s hard to not feel stifling guilt after skipping out on the Red Cross for purely selfish motives. More on that in the weeks to come but suffice to say, I’m a disgrace. I even sampled Bono in my headline. Ouch.

My abrupt homecoming coincides with the more planned one of my sort of alma mater. Fort Lewis College has pulled out more stops than I ever thought they had for this year’s Homecoming Weekend celebration, and as it’s not entirely confined to the campus, so there’s little that you can do about it.

The first sign the public will receive that something is amiss happens on Friday night, when Main Avenue will be taken over by horse trailers laden with drunken children as the annual Homecoming Parade floats by. It’s a parade, and who doesn’t love a parade? Love it or not, the parade route on Main will be closed from about 4 p.m. on, so plan accordingly. After the parade, students, alums and curious passersby will congregate at the big bonfire and luau dance up on the campus softball fields. Nary a year goes by that someone doesn’t get badly hurt or arrested at these bonfire things, so call this one a can’t miss event for the in crowd. Homecoming also means football, and FLC still has that, too. On Saturday at 1 p.m., the Skyhawks play host to Fort Hays State, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that our hometown heroes are only a game off of their division leaders. It’s no time to go losing to a team from Kansas, so take advantage of this swell fall weather and show up for the game. And it comes complete with a tailgate party for the two hours leading up to kickoff, at which time you can eat, although I suspect that beers will be hard to come by in the parking lot. Do your best.

Not to be outdone, the men’s soccer team will have home field advantage for the Skyhawk Soccer Classic, with games on Friday at 1:30 and 4 p.m. and Sunday beginning at 11 a.m. There’s all the other stupid stuff that somehow becomes fun during times like Homecoming, including a chili cook-off, mud football and other alumni-student novelty sporting events. If you didn’t go to FLC and simply don’t care about anything other than the traffic tip at the top of the paragraph, I apologize for wasting your time, but you’re the one who read this far.

I myself was tempted to check out the big game on Saturday, but then I would’ve missed the event that I’ve already predicted will be the next big thing. (I figure if I keep doing that I’m bound to be right one of these times.) The much ballyhooed Indy Media 500, a joint production of KDUR and DCAT, tees off at 1:30 p.m. on Saturday afternoon at Durango Park there behind the newer Serious Texas Barbecue spot near the mall. As of this writing, there were still about four or five slots left for teams of three to enter the only competition that we’ve found combining the natural marriage of golf and auto racing. Like Fred & Ginger, those two. Actually it’s mini-golf and go-kart racing, but still. Eighteen teams is the goal, and unlike those NASCAR hillbillies with their warm Busch and cold hot dogs, gallery members will get first class treatment, with plenty of cold locally brewed beer (drive first, then drink), live music and the fine culinary choices offered by the host meat purveyors. The cheesy potatoes are top notch, as well, for you protein-devoid vegetarian wackos. Vegans, I don’t know what to tell you. Have a root beer.

It’s been a while since anything political was discussed on this page; so long, in fact that I can’t remember a mention since that handsome Kerry guy rolled over like a dog and licked himself for all the world to see. Moving on, we subjects of Colorado will soon vote on the colorfully named “Referenda C & D,” a snazzy moniker that roughly translated means, “herein lies the fiscal future of the state of Colorado carefully disguised as an unexciting choice between ‘yes’ and ‘no.’” For once, I won’t make a transparent attempt to shape your opinion other than to say vote “yes,” but rather impel you to form your own by learning the facts about the whole thing. The League of Women Voters will tell anyone who wants to listen just what the hell that thing is, as was just moments ago asked me by another of my spoon-sharp pals. They’ll be in the Student Lounge up at the college on Tuesday at noon, so spread the word and seriously, find out the deal with this vote. It’s kind of important. And there’ll be punch and cookies.

Hey – hockey’s back, thanks apparently to Matthew Perry and Denis Leary. Flyers-Rangers opened last night on OLN for fans in Colorado who want to see what a team that will be in the playoffs this year looks like. (The Flyers that is, not the bluebellies.) I see lean times ahead for the Avs, but you people needed a dose of reality one of these years anyway.

Time may be running out to tell me just what’s on your mind. Don’t be caught alone with your rage: egholteen@hotmail.com. Would someone please e-mail me pictures of Liggett in lederhosen? •