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Diver, I have this friend who keeps on buying me very expensive gifts. Hell, he can afford it but it makes me very uncomfortable, because often he’ll use his “generosity” to get something out of me later or make me feel guilty. It’s quite strange. How do I stop this in a polite manner? – Jack, via e-mail What up Jack, Your friend (we’ll call him dude) sounds like he is making you uncomfortable. I would suggest fighting fire with fire. Show up over at dude’s house and be like, “Check it out dude, I got you a pressure regulation valve for a bidet and a melon baller, now make me a sandwich.” Then, while eating the sandwich dude made you, give him a taste o’ guilt. Say something like, “Dude, my grandma is totally getting her appendix surgically ripped out, and I’d love to help her out with the bills, but I’m hurting from that hot pocket I bought you last week.” If that doesn’t teach him to buy you gifts, I don’t know what will. – Diver Hey Diver, My 11-year-old son still needs to be tucked in! How do I stop this? On one hand, he wants to do all this adult stuff, on the other hand, well, he wants to be tucked in and have story time. I’m thinking when he has a slumber party, I’ll make it a point to tell his friends that he is still tucked in. Hopefully it will make him feel silly. Or could it ruin the party? – Mom in Mancos Mom, Still tuckin’ in at 11, huh? While I don’t quite see the harm in putting your kid to bed, I definitely think your diabolical plot to humiliate your son into submission is genius. If he wets the bed you should totally rub his nose in it. Seriously though, if you think the custom of “tucking in” your child has been outgrown, adopt a more age-appropriate routine. Perhaps a nightly keg stand would teach junior the maturity he needs to be sent off into the world. Personally, I would probably blaze a fatty jizzle, ’cause that will put the lil’ guy to sleep so you can go think up ways to get him teased. – Diver Diver, Why does everyone complain about what real estate they didn’t buy when they moved to Colorado “back in the day.” You know what I’m saying? “Oh, if I bought that trailer in Hermosa in 1990, I’d be sitting on a gold mine.” Well guess what, I’m sick of it, and I’m buying real estate at Wolf Creek and then I’m selling it in 15 years for a mint! What do you think of that? – David David, Oh sick bro. You just used the term “back in the day” and then followed it up with a “you know what I’m saying.” That is totally like a super tech, one-two punch of slangedness. Respect. While Wolf Creek is rather sick with the adjacent gnar shredding and hot springs and what not, I must suggest another location for your proposed real estate investment. I’ve got one word for you my friend. “Ignacio.” Your gold-mining Hermosa trailer looks like pocket change compared to the metaphorical platinum-mining trailers they gots out in Ignacio. Plus I totally got some dank-ass frito pie there back in the day. You know what I’m saying? –Diver |
