Diver,

Why the hell does real estate here cost so much? I’m trying to buy something, but it just ain’t worth it. The rich get richer and the poor and middle class live in trailers, and I’m pissed about it. I can’t afford this “mountain” lifestyle, and I’m bummed. Jesus it’s hard. Any suggestions, I don’t want to move, and I’m sick of rich people in brand new hiking boots and Hummers taking up all the parking spots at Applebee’s.

– Jimmy

Hey Jimbo,

I’m surprised that you aren’t aware of an evil super power that is Texas. Why don’t you go down to Starbucks and do some cherry pickin’ for us? I’ve heard that Texans are really good listeners. Until you’ve made a valiant effort to make a change, you deserve to eat at Applebee’s.

– Jesus is right, Diver.

Dear Diver,

My girlfriend’s house got broken into last fall. Well, loose lips sink ships. A friend was at a party, some drunken moron ran his mouth, and basically I’ve found out who broke into the house. Now it’s vigilante time. Or is it? What do you think? Shall I take the law into these hands, or call the police and see what doesn’t happen?

– Eric, via e-mail

Eric,

Are you kidding? It’s ass-whooping time. What kind of fun is calling the cops? Do you like talking to police? It’s not like someone stole the bell off your rusty old cruiser or anything. Calm down, get creative, and get even. Remember, you get to decide what constitutes “even.” I suggest using patchouli and Meatloaf’s “Bat Out of Hell II.” What is torture for some is pleasure for others, so plan carefully.

– Enjoy, Diver

Diver,

My friend, who drinks a lot, has been having a lot of “accidents” lately when he passes out at someone’s house. My house, and my couch, were the latest victims. This is pretty gross. The guy’s an adult! How can I tell him that he drinks too much, and when he does, he pees all over the place?

– Johnny

Dear Johnny,

This story sounds familiar. Can’t this be solved by flipping over a few cushions? I suppose if you are really worried about it, you could go out drinking and later “shower” him with an intervention. That should get his attention. Until then, rest easy.

– The Diver

Diver,

I own a restaurant, and I’m having the hardest time keeping a consistent staff around. These kids can’t seem to take my creative criticism. I also think I caught one of the girls smoking pot in the storage area. I feel like I fire someone every day, and for that matter can’t seem to tell who’s who.

– Walt

Walt,

I don’t have much info, but I’m going to take a wild guess and say that you are probably there breathing down their necks all the time. Go home and leave these poor kids alone. As for your name troubles, when I forget someone’s name I give them a nickname. Like “Brother,” or “Little Sister.” Maybe you should join them in the storage area, sounds like you need it.

– Diver