Dear Diver,

My brother is ruining our family! He has two kids, and suddenly feels like he is too good for the rest of us. He accuses my mother of being an alcoholic (even though he drinks as much as she) and won’t bring his kids over to see her. He also refuses to talk to any of us, his brothers and sisters. Recently at my grandmother’s funeral, he refused to stay at a friend of my mom’s house because it’s a trailer. He also told my aunt how the “colored” we’re ruining his neighborhood. Should we black-ball him from the family?

– Leroy via e-mail

Oh Leroy,

The answer is plainer than the hair on a dog’s (censored). All you need to do is slip some roofies into his next drink. When he’s knocked out, pack him into a crate and ship him off to Borneo. Once he’s found his way back, you will have seen enough of your nieces or nephews to last you a lifetime.

– Regards, The Diver

Dear Diver,

My mom wants to attempt to get on a reality show, I think the next “Survivor” or “American Idol” or something. This is just her chance to be humiliated and hurt, and I can’t stop her! I don’t have TV, so I’m pretty

unfamiliar with the programs, but I’m way against it. I don’t think she realizes that she won’t be able to “survive” or be an “idol.” Yet, I guess it’s a dream of hers? Should I let her go for it?

– Jenny in Durango

So Jenny,

What do you think your mom has been doing with most of the prime of her life? She’s been raising you. Now she needs to get away from your overprotective coddling (she told me in a separate letter, not published here, that she finds it “[censored] suffocating.”) All you can do now is get a TV/VCR and record her appearances while you reflect on what a horrible daughter you’ve been.

– Love, The Diver

Hey Diver,

I think I’m turning into a dirty old man or having a mid-life crisis. For some reason I feel the need to purchase a huge sport utility vehicle. Am I just getting old, and are these feelings ridiculous?

– Martin

Hey Martin,

This is no “mid-life crisis” or even any process of turning into a dirty old man. Admit it, your desire to purchase a huge SUV is attributable to either a small or a flaccid, um, appendage (I’m trying not to get censored here). If your problem is the former, there are many inexpensive herbal supplements on the market these days to work that out, and, if you’re trying to deal with the latter problem, there is always Viagra®. Either way, you will be much more secure in your manhood and your “need” to purchase the second, single-worst atrocity against human decency will diminish over time.

– Good luck, The Diver

Crispy used to ghost-write for the now-defunct “Dear Dotti” column inWeekly World News.