The politics of the holiday season

by Ted Holteen

Someone asked me recently if I ever worried about being put on one of those government watch lists as I frequently poke fun at the abilities and character of many of our nation’s leaders in this space. The word my inquisitor actually used was “attack,” which implies that I might pose some sort of threat to the subjects of my occasional lampoons. This is impossible for more reasons than I can list, chief among them being the fact that most readers of this paper are so far to the left of center, politically speaking, that they make Woody Allen look like a neo-con. I could do as much damage throwing rocks at the White House from Chapman Hill as I could with this column. But if they do want to come after me or anyone else with, say, questionable library borrowing habits, the clock is ticking. Because barring an 11th-hour cave in the Senate, the Patriot Act is in its final week of life, and the debate de jour is whether or not to re-up for the new year or let it expire quietly. But more on that in a moment.

In the aftermath of the latest revelation last week about W’s propensity for spying, prying and lying, the jerk went nuts and blamed everyone in the Capitol short of Clinton Portis for compromising our nation’s security to the Arabs on those billboards trying to get drivers’ licenses. Again I ask you to give a thorough look to what the president guy did this time. There is a real law enacted by a pre-Bush government that explicitly says it is illegal to spy on U.S. citizens without court approval. Bush and his have admittedly been monitoring the phone calls and e-mails (which could be interpreted as spying) of countless U.S. citizens whom they believe might be in contact with Hans Gruber or some such super-villain overseas. He’s not the first or last chief executive to get caught being the bad guy, but he is the first to say that the illegal thing he did was legal. Here’s his response: “It is legal to do so. I swore to uphold the laws. Legal authority is derived from the Constitution.” No offense, George, but what the hell are you talking about? This isn’t “I am not a crook.” Even Nixon admitted doing something illegal but

implied that it wasn’t habitual. No, this is you telling the cop to go home, that there’s no law that says you can’t keep 12 pounds of weed and two Uzis in your house. Your mistake officer, no offense. Up is down, black is white and you best damn believe what the man says or else. So back to the Patriot Act. Knowing what we do now, does it really matter if it lasts a week or 10 years?

By now, you may be asking yourself, or more likely me, what does any of this have to do with Christmas? Admittedly, nothing. But a quick look at the happenings around town this weekend leaves me, as always, with ample opportunity to discuss matters political and urbane. Which is to say there are no happenings. (I don’t include church functions in this survey, because I know they’re happening – hooray for everything!) Handbells and children’s choirs notwithstanding, the pickins are slim. Abbey – closed for the weekend after Friday’s showing of “The Squid and the Whale.” Of course I haven’t seen it. Fort Lewis College, including Concert Hall – closed. Likewise every other venue that’s got a stage. Easy, boozehounds – that doesn’t mean the bars are closed, but the music community will be spending the next week enjoying the holidays and polishing up for New Year’s and Elvis Night next month. It’s a good week to catch a movie. Let’s see, what haven’t I seen yet … oh, yeah, everything. “King Kong,” the Narnia thing, Fun With Dick & Jane – remakes. “Cheaper by the Dozen 2,” another Harry Potter thing – sequels. Variety needs to run an ad. “Wanted: An original idea.” If you’re going for retreads, may I suggest staying home for one of the best. TBS is running “A Christmas Story” for 24 straight hours on Christmas Eve. I wouldn’t go so far as to watch all 12 showings, but it’s something to shoot for. Should make a great story for Christmas dinner. And if goodwill, peace on Earth, love for your fellow man and the warmth of the holiday season isn’t enough, there’s football on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. See? Jesus ain’t so bad after all.

Send me presents. egholteen@hotmail.com. I still want to see “King Kong.” Maybe next week. •