How the Grinch re-financed Christmas

My goodness, but it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Right on cue last week, the makers of Xbox 360, with a sheepish grin and shrug of their shoulders, announced, “We ain’t got no more.” Or something to that effect. Then they started selling vouchers for post-Christmas delivery. Behind this innocuous-looking stocking-stuffer, sure to put a wry smile on the face of shiftless teens nationwide lies a scheme that would make Mike Milken proud. Microsoft, in effect, has created a fantastically profitable short-term junk bond. They sell literally millions of vouchers (“stock certificates,” for purposes of illustration) representing hundreds of millions of dollars, put the money in the bank and in January, replace the suddenly voluminous Xbox inventory in warehouses with cash from the interest that would have accrued in your account had you not given it to Bill Gates to re-invest for a month or two. I hope your child loves you very much. Kind of makes you want to be Jewish, doesn’t it? On a related topic, gift certificates for my coming-soon used bookstore are now available with a great deal of effort and inconvenience on the part of the purchaser. Inquire at address below.

While it’s easy for disingenuous grown-ups to dismiss the magic of Christmas as a mere commodity, even I remember what it was like to be a kid in December. As my Uncle Dan is quick to point out every year, “Christmas is for the kids.” Throughout the evening, he probably drinks too much and breaks many of the children’s toys, but we love him anyway, and he’s right, dammit. And Christmas isn’t just for your kids, but all kids, even the Buddhists. No group in town is more aware of that distinction than the fabulous chicks at Big Brothers/Big Sisters, who work year-round to make life better for every child they can get their hands on. This is not another blatant recruitment attempt to convince you to mentor a young’un, although I challenge you to find a cheaper way to get your lawn mowed or snow shoveled and still write off your bar tab while you wait for the work to get finished. No, this is about that house in the Kroeger’s parking lot that looks like it was built by the Cat in the Hat on acid. Which is to say, it’s very cool. And someone’s going to win the thing. BB/BS got architect Richard “Wavy Gravy” Feeney to design the playhouse, and it was built by bonafide contractors who miraculously were able to make sense of his plans. The finished product is an ADD-riddled child’s dream, including two stories with an interior rope ladder and 14-foot slide from the top; padded walls; wall-to-wall carpeting; and one of those Chuck E. Cheese-ish rooms full of balls that I thought had been outlawed for crippling toddlers. I should’ve mentioned earlier that I have been all but assured of winning the “raffle” for the playhouse, but proceeds from the tickets should do some good

regardless of who wins what and what drawing’s fixed and who thinks youth is wasted on the young, which it is. Raffle tickets can and should be bought at Kroeger’s or City Market – the drawing will take place on Christmas Eve, and no, you don’t have to spend Christmas Eve in Kroeger’s parking lot. They’ll call you in the unlikely event that something goes wrong with the “drawing” and someone other than “Ted H.” or “T. Holteen” is selected as the winner.

As long as you’ve already decided that giving money away with very little chance of personal return is really not a bad thing, keep digging in your pocket and head up to Purgatory/Durango Ski Concern or whatever it’s called on Friday for Benefit Day, evidently now held every 55 weeks. It’s not DMR’s fault that God hasn’t blessed us with much snow yet, but as I’ve written before, He can be flighty. So it’s only fitting that this year’s beneficiary is a group that’s been improving on the work of the almighty for years now, Trails 2000. What’s ironic is that the hiking and biking trails maintained by T2K are still getting more use than the ones the group’s relying on for some needed bucks this winter. Shaky conditions are nothing new on Benefit Day, so take the bus up to the mountain, buy your $10 lift ticket, and sit in the bar all day and let the snowmaking crew do their work. If you would, however, like to ski this holiday season, may I recommend Killington?

Time’s running out – book Liggett now to play Santa at your holiday party. egholteen@hotmail.com. R.I.P. Tookie. •