Diver,

My work recently transferred me to a job in Gunnison, and now I’m thinking, “This sucks.” I’ve been here for two weeks. It’s cold as hell, and the nightlife here makes Durango look like New York City. Basically, I’m regretting this decision and want out. How can I get myself un-transferred, without losing my job?

- DK in Gunnison, via e-mail

Dear DK,

Gunnison, Colorado: the worst place on earth. You’re sort of in a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t situation. Or more accurately, a quit-your-job-and-make-no-money if-you-do, freeze-your-balls-to-the-furniture-if-you-don’t situation. While it may seem like a difficult decision, the choice should be clear – you need to get transferred back to Durango as quickly as possible. Not only does Durango have a much more pleasing odor, it also has something to do after 7 p.m. As for getting yourself un-transferred, there are lots of things you can do. You can start getting your point across by constantly making excuses to drive back here and spend some time. For example the old, “I forgot my wallet” or “I left my stove on” lines can easily net you a couple weeks in Durango. Once you’ve established a precedent for never being at the office, your employers won’t even mind that you’re gone, but don’t make it to obvious or your boss might get wise to your attempts to leave Stink Town. Also, you can try to be so inept at your new job that they will have no choice but to demote you. Hell, you might not even need to try at it, could come naturally to you.

-Diver

Dear Diver,

I often read the column in this paper called “The Society Page,” but I’ve never seen its author at any events! How can someone like me, a person who wants to stay up to date on cool things, trust a guy who doesn’t go to events he writes about?

 -Lauren

Dear Lauren,

Ahhh, “The Society Page.” Here you must be referring to its esteemed author, the unfortunate-looking Mr. Ted Holteen. Heavy is the head that wears the crown, and you must realize the burden that comes with writing forThe Telegraph. Ted is at these events, but he is probably incognito. A white-hot celebrity like Ted must take precautions not to be seen too often in public, lest he run the chance of being mobbed by a hoard of paparazzi and fans clamoring for autographs. Actually, it would be unfair for performers at these events to have their shows disrupted by an unexpected visit by Holteen. I imagine it would be something akin to “Beatlemania” of the 1960s, with flashbulbs going off and teen-aged girls screaming until they pass out. It’s really very prudent for him to alter his appearance in public to avoid inciting a riot. So the next time you are at one of these events, take a close look at who is in attendance: that  tall guy with the ninja mask on just might be Ted.

- Diver

Diver,

I just got a great new job, and it requires I be at work by 6 a.m. I’m not a morning person, and I know you’re asking, “Why did I take the job?” Because it pays very well. Any recommendations on making me a morning person?

- Tony via e-mail

Dear Tony,

My first bit of advice would be to quit your job immediately, but if you insist upon being a slave to the dollar, more drastic measures can be taken. I suggest you create some sort of elaborate contraption a’la Rube Goldberg. You need some sort of device that involves a rooster crowing causing a cat to jump into a basket causing a boot to swing causing a candle to light causing a rope to burn causing a pot of scalding water to fall onto your face. If this doesn’t get you up in the morning, nothing will. Eventually, waking up won’t be a problem as you will be up all night in sheer terror of the burns your’re going to receive in the morning. If that doesn’t work, you need to get yourself a girlfriend. Nothing makes me want to rise and shine like the promise of hot girlfriend morning sex.

Plus your cheerful disposition and constant whistling at work will get you noticed and possibly even promoted. Finally, as an absolute last resort, you can set your clock radio to one of those pinko hippy-dippy community radio stations that pollute our airwaves. The liberal drivel and pretentious music should agitate you so much that you will instantly be wide awake, filled with the rage only NPR can produce.

- Diver