Diver,

My daughter is an Internet bully! She goes into these chat rooms and basically causes problems. I can’t begin to tell you some of the things I’ve seen her type, hateful, cruel comments to these poor, unsuspecting people somewhere out there in cyberworld. How can I teach her a lesson regarding this? It’s just plain cruel.

– Janet

Janet,

I hate to have to be the one to tell you this, but your daughter is the worst kind of scum on the face of the earth. Recently, while trying to discuss the intricacies of my world class Teen-age Mutant Ninja Turtle memorabilia, I myself was accosted by a schat talker. During a very intense chat off between myself and Shredder123, I was interrupted by chat accusations that I was a “turtle-loving chode” and was told that the ninja turtles would “get bitch-slapped back to the sewers” by a member of the transformer squad. Since I was too emotionally distraught to dispute this alleged bitch slapping, I have lost

much of my credibility on turtletalk.com as of late. I would suggest getting to your daughter before the turtles and I do.  

– Diver

Hey Diver,

My father just got his third DUI, this time with both of my kids (his grandkids) in the car. After his wife, my mom, passed away, he went off the deep end. That was about five years ago. Now, with this DUI, he’s going to lose his job, and possibly his apartment. Then he’ll need to move in somewhere, guess where? How can I get my dad back on his good foot?

– Concerned daughter

Daughter dearest,

Three DUIs huh? Sounds to me like pops is pretty committed to doing what he does. Rather than criticize his actions or try to change them for that matter, I would suggest encouraging your father to make a career out of his bad luck. I am sure he could attain sponsorship from a major alcohol distributor if he went for the all-time world record of most DUIs ever. I’m talking all-out, 50-state wasted wagon tour with a keg party at every stop. Call me up if he needs a co-pilot.

– Diver

Diver,

I’m writing from cheerleader camp. I thought it would be fun to go here and fun to be a cheerleader. Oh, how I was wrong. There’s full-on hazing going on, and many of the girls here call other girls (girls they don’t like) “assbiter.” I think this is a camp to raise a bunch of, well, you know. Down with Cheerleader Camp! Up with Chess Camp!

– Ex-wanna be cheerleader.

Dear Cheery,

Ah Crikey! Although I am rather intrigued by these “assbiting” chicks you speak of, I didn’t really find the question in your question. Seriously though, you got one thing right, there is nothing sexier than some broad that can beat you at chess.

– Diver