Mr. Diver,

I was at a festival recently and was scolded by some hippie about smoking a cigar. I was standing pretty far away from the crowd, and the wind was blowing my cigar smoke behind me. He politely asked me to put it out, and I did, but this little pansy still went and told on me. Later I saw him smoking a joint, with kids all around him, and I just about knocked his block off. But I’m a better man than this smelly, twisting little freak. How the hell can someone be so concerned about his health and clean air and cigar smoke then fill his lungs with pot smoke and think that’s OK?

– Festival lover with a box full of Cubans and a set of brass knuckles

Hey Man,

“Like pot is, like a gift from the Earth, mannnn. It’s like spiritual, mannn.” OK seriously, it’s a little known fact that “dirty hippies” are actually vile organisms brought here 75 million years ago by “evil aliens” who have been battling Scientologists for control of the planet for millennia. So I say, open up a can of “whompass” and jump on one like a rat on a Cheeto.  

– Go get em, Diver

Dear Diver,

I have read all those funny “freshman 15” letters in this column and they kill me. Now what about the “middle-age 20?” Yes, I’m gaining weight, and I’m having trouble finding time (between work, kids and sleep) to get some exercise. What can I do? Any suggestions for quick weight loss?

– Jimmy

Well Jimmy,

It seems apparent to me that you need to increase your metabolism. Now if we were living in the ’80s, I’d say you could achieve this with a steady diet of cocaine highballs. But as we are five years into the new millennium, waking up to a crystal meth cocktail will not only help you shed those unwanted pounds but will also have you zipping around your work load and kid responsibilities like the Tasmanian Devil! However, your sleep cycle may suffer … luckily there are plenty of late night “Golden Girls” re-runs on TVland.

– Diver

Hey Diver!

I was recently at the Rockygrass Festival in Lyons where I noticed that many people in the crowd look, and I’m sure vote, to the left. However, on stage at one point was that bible thumping, god-fearing Ricky Skaggs, who might as well be a preacher. I hear he votes quite to the right, and possibly supports the war. So, my question is this, why do people boycott various businesses for being too right or too religious, yet cheer the hell out of a musician who very well helped put Bush in office?

– Tom

Well Tom,

My nihilism may shine through here. Yes, how can we influence people that scream like idiots for Ricky Skaggs, let alone those who scream like idiots for Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Jessica Simpson and George Bush? The redneck in me thinks the best way to achieve such influence would be to employ CIA interrogation tactics on such screamers. However, I rarely let the redneck get his way. So instead I offer this advice: Hunker down in your bomb shelter, and when you hear people screaming for singer/songwriter funny lady Christine Lavin, hunker back down in that damp musty hole, it’s going to be a long winter.

– Diver