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Diver
I'm a compulsive gambler. I'll bet on anything. Remember that episode of Seinfeld when Kramer was making bets on late
planes at the airport? I've done that. I'll sit on the street and make bets on where people will cross the street.
I'll make bets on what shoes my wife will where. Of course, I always bet on sports. This is out of control. It's not
like I'm spending all of my family's money, yet. I need some help, but from where?
- Jerry,
via e-mail.
Jer,
I bet you that I won't have the answer for you. Actually, I don't think you have a problem - it's not like you are
drinking every day, showing up to work trashed and spending all your family time at my house. Oh hell, if you were,
there's not much wrong with that, either.So why don't you start comingover on Thursday nights for poker, and we'll
take all of your kids' lunch money, you pathetic loser. Go get some help, call 1-800-4GAMBLE. Me and my ma go there
on Tuesdays. It's great, we play bingo, cards and dice all night long.
- Your biggest hypocrite,
Diver
Dear Diver,
Is college really necessary? All of my friends are going (we're seniors at DHS) but I have an opportunity to become a
plumbers apprentice. I figure with all the building around here, I can get work, lots of it. However, my friends have
this idea that college equals success. But come on, this is Durango most college graduates wait on me when I go out
to lunch. What do you think, did you go to college?
- Senior via e-mail.
Future plumber,
Of coarseI went to colledge, who doesn't these days? It is part of what we are supose to do. DidI graduate? No i went
for six years at a comunity college andI stilldrooped out asa sophmore. So back to your question is college necessary
HELL NO!!! get the plumber job, work hard at that plumber crack cause we know how much the ladies like that. Save as
much money as possible for beer when you turn 21 (I expect a six pack a week for this advice). If you work hard you
will be on top by the time all you friends get out of school and you wont have all those dam student loans to pay.
Look at me I am now a manager at the deliand still is diving, with over half the people under meascollege graduates.
So if you apt for college look me up andI will hire you when you get done.
- Fellow hard-working slacker diver
Dear Diver,
What is the easiest way to weed out the dumb-asses from an office? Because this one has a lot of them, people that
couldn't figure out a damn thing if they had a damn figuring out machine! It's ridiculous! Is your work place filled
with morons like mine?
- Mr. X in a town that I won't reveal. |
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Diver: Shawn Ray from Mountain Market Deli
Facts: As of Monday, Shawn will be among the throngs of unemployed seasonal workers ruminating in the streets and
bars of Durango
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Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
telegraph@durangotelegraph.com,
or by fax at 259-0448. |
Mr Dumas,
Fire every one that you don't like. That is the quickest and easiest way to weed out them losers. Then whatI have
found is the best thing to do is to hire all women. Not ordinary women but the finest of fine. Put an ad in the
Telegraph saying "looking for hot, gullible women, no office experience needed." Trust me, around here you will get
some bites. Now your office space can be more pleasant than ever.You train your new hot, gullible employees to do
whatever you want.And by the way, my work place is full of the smartest people of all time, it's the mountain.
- Keep the hotties employed,
diver
Dear Diver,
I think the babysitter that watches my daughter has been bringing her boyfriend over and "doing it" on our couch. I
won't reveal how I know. How should I handle this, I obviously won't hire her again, but I want to let her know this
is not OK. Shall I tell her flat out or call her parents, or what?
- Concerned Mom in Cortez
Relax Laddie,
I dont know ifI can answer this, I should check withmy probation officer first, but oh well. Don't fire her, this is
the perfect opportunity to make some serious money.Youshould set up an Internet video camera like they do on those
reality shows, hidden but with the perfect view. Call the site "Babysitters Gone Wild." If you need ideas of a good
site, go to 4thrtn.com. About telling her mom, you probably will have to get legal rights to sell the footage. It is
only fair - you don't want her to sue you like you are Michel Jackson. Oh and to get those stains off the couch, if
it is cloth, use soda water, if leather, saddle soap.
- Couch surfer,
Diver
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