Dear Diver,

I know everyone is against various corporate businesses coming into town, but aren't these people trying to make a living, too? What if it's a local person who owns Starbucks and just pays money to the Starbucks corporation for a franchise? Doesn't McDonald's pay money on the land it sits on, thus giving money to the town? Are you capable of explaining this to me?

- Johnny,
via e-mail

Dear Johnny,

We applaud your open-minded approach, but having worked next to the highly secretive new "coffee shop" since it started construction, we've observed some pretty shady dealings. Not only are the new owners not local, they're not even human. With our own eyes, we've seen windowless vans block our parking spots to unload armies of little green men who file inside to assemble barista robots. It appears that Starbucks is a front for the seedy underbelly of the Plutonian Mafi,a and they have chosen Durango as their next target. One up at a time, they're planning to take over the world!!!

Duhn Duhn DUHN!

So if you dare to order your $25 half-caf, non-fat, light whip, triple mocha latte with chocolate sprinkles on the side, consider that you may become godfather Cheney's next minion in the Plutonian Mafia's campaign for "galacDick" domination.

- Partners in the resistance
(and drinking locally), Divers

Dear Diver,

What is up with hippies and the militant and shallow attitude toward music? I try to turn my friend onto cool stuff, and he doesn't care. Yet he says he's into "sooo much cool music." You like the Yonder Mountain String Band, then listen to Bill Monroe. He won't. You like Medeski Martin and Wood? Here's some groove-oriented Miles Davis. Not interested. You like Widespread Panic? Listen to The Band. NO. Hippies are musical morons with limited taste. Holteen was right.

- Jack

Diver: The Flying Burrito Sisters from Nini's

Facts: I'm out of facts, their advice, however, is fairly sound.


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Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.


Jacko, bro,

Man, did we ever tell you about the time we rode a fattie roller coaster through Panic's inner soul? It was, like, wiiild! Their music, like, speaks its truth through John Bell. He's like an angel bro, like God or something. We sold dank grilled cheese sandwiches all last summer just to get a glimpse of his shining inner grace.You gotta try it sometime, man. But seriously, dude, the other day we were just mindin' our own down by the river when the eerie tones of Portishead reached our ears. It was like ice on the spine man, crazy beautiful. We started to wonder maybe music is in the ear of the beholder?

- Still going to all three shows, Divers


I have recently re-kindled a relationship with an old girlfriend. I'm not sure if this is a wise move or not, it seems like we are riding on the waves of passion from long ago, and I'm wondering if something like this can last. What do you think?

- Margaret

Maggie, aka Bree (we know it's you),

We're sorry to have to say this so publicly, you've left us no choice. It was over for us when we helped you move out of your house and spotted an empty Starbucks cup in your trash. And then you moved to Arkansas so you couldn't go to all three shows. It was fun while it lasted, but stale passion is not our gig.

- Together again,


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