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Dive into this question:
Recently, all three of my roommates and all of my close friends got boyfriends. Now it feels like I live at home
either by myself or with couples cuddling on the couch whispering cutsie-wutsie words in each others' ears! I'm not
having normal conversation with my friends now, and I think they're starting to get the hint that I don't respond to
"my boyfriend's so cute" phrases anymore. How do I save them from blinding love before it captures and engulfs their
lives completely? We're young and are supposed to be enjoying the single life, please help.
- Truly, Madly, Deeply...
Your single lover
Single Lover,
Sounds to me like you need 80 cc's to tube steak, stat! Seriously though, my name is Logan, I'm a leo, and during my
free time I enjoy long walks on the beach, candlelight dinners, and keeping it real. Oh yeah, and I'm a doctor too.
Provided that you are neither a man, nor a Republican, I would be more than happy to take you and any hot friends you
have out for a night on the town. Come by the Diner or Steamworks anytime, and I'll fill your prescription.
- Taking advantage of the lonely,
Dr. Diver
Dear Diver
I've been getting these piercing headaches and dry mouth, my Mum reckons I'm putting too much salt in my soup but I'm
not convinced, the only liquid I like is rum. Any advice?
- Tim Venables (Bolivia)
Tim,
Ahh Bolivia, the sunshine state! Well, you came to the right man for this one. I have comprehensively diagnosed your
situation, and the solution to your problems is contained within these four steps. 1) Ditch this "soup" nonsense for
some delicious Taco Bell. Would they sell it if it was bad for you? 2) Give your hot mum my phone number (Bolivian
girls are my favorite). 3) Go to the nearest drug store and get a grip of prescriptions for as many disorders as you
can think of. Adult ADD, high cholesterol, overactive bladder or lack of manhood could all be the cause of your
headaches. 4) Move under the nearest powerlines, start watching Fox News, and consider anything President Bush says
as divine wisdom. If you follow these simple steps, your mind will be so numb, you won't have to worry about those
silly headaches.
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Diver: Logan from the Durango Diner
Facts: Although a part-time dishwasher, Logan is a self-proclaimed "career badass"
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Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
telegraph@durangotelegraph.com,
or by fax at 259-0448. |
- Diver, M.D.
Diver,
I've noticed that nobody at Fort Lewis College acknowledges the "No Smoking" within a certain number of feet around
buildings. I work on campus, and my daughter goes to the child-care center there. Often, I have to walk past students
smoking right by the door of the day care! I'm all for smoking, but these students need to show some courtesy!
- Barrett in Durango
Barrett,
Unfortunately your letter was particularly ambiguous. If you are a woman, I will jump at the opportunity to take you
and your hot daughter out to any one of Durango's fine, nonsmoking establishments. Back to your question. As a
medical professional, it is my moral responsibility to give you prudent, health-conscious advice concerning your
problem. Smoking is more than OK, it is an all-purpose miracle cure. Aside from bloodletting, I cannot think of a
more effective remedy. About your kid, I think you would be doing her a favor by getting her started young. I don't
know if you have ever seen a child smoking, but it is a lot like when a chimpanzee smokes, downright hilarious.
- Always on the prowl,
Da Diver
(At this point in my column, I would like to clear up a misunderstanding I recently caused. A few weeks ago I was
featured in the "Word on the Street" section. When I was asked what my idea of a perfect Valentine's date was, I
responded how any blue-blooded American male would have, dinner with Chuck Norris. This could have been interpreted
as a gay comment by the small population of people who haven't seen the supreme ass whoopins Chuck hands out on a
regular basis. Since my comment, I have endured considerable grief somewhat similar to the following reenactment.
Logan-"Hey, Mike Zang, would you please take this gigantic sausage to table 36?" Mike- "Sure, hey, I'd bet you would
let Chuck Norris take your gigantic sausage to table 36, he ,he!"
My idea of "dinner" is something like this. Chuck and I would be headed to Golden Corral for some chicken-fried
steak, Slim Jims and Keystone Light in his American flag-painted monster truck. In the parking lot of the restaurant,
we would be confronted by 200 to 300 bazooka-wielding ninjas. After an epic 4- minute battle where Chuck and I
showcase some of our finest ass kickin' moves, we would emerge victorious. This would then be followed by a special
guest appearance on "WCW Smackdown," complete with pyrotechnics, drunken, bikini-clad supermodels, and Allen Jackson
singing the national anthem. That's it, no spooning, no making out, just two bad muthas doing what they do best.
Kicking ass and taking names.)
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