Dear Diver,

Why is it that all bathroom stall doors in public restrooms swing in toward the toilet? I'm a thin girl and even I have trouble getting out the door (without pressing my legs against pubic hair-infested toilets). I feel for large women and men who must struggle to get out the door.

- Sincerely, Skinny girl struggling

in an even skinnier stall

P.S. I already know that they were designed by a man (or at least installed by one).

Dear Skin and Bones,

You know, I've always wondered what idiot came up with the idea to make stalls really small and then make it so that the door opens toward you. Maybe they installed the door backwards for the fun of it. This is how you can get out of this tight situation without pressing your legs against the pubic hair-infested toilet: If you squeeze yourself beside the toilet and open the doorso that you aren't standing right in front of the door, that gives you more room. Or try standing on the toilet and leaning back while you open the door. Let me know if these work for you. Betteryet, you can always use the handicapped stall ... now that gives you a lot more room!

- Good luck getting out,


Dear Diver,

The other night, my girlfriend and I were "goin' at it" when my cell phone rang. I could see on the caller ID that it was my mom. I did not answer the phone or anything, but now I can't get the image of my mom out of my head when my girlfriend wants to have sex. What can I do to alleviate this situation?

- Signed,

Oedipus Tex

Dear Oedipus,

This situation with your mom calling happens to a lot of individuals, but what I don't understand is why you would have an image of your mom in your head? I could understand being turned off for just a moment while your mom is calling you during a sexual escapade, but I wouldn't think anymore about it. What can you do to alleviate this situation? Go speak with a psychiatrist about this mishap or buy a Playboy and pretend it was one of those hot naked women calling you.

- Visions of mom,

Dear Diver,

With tax season coming up, I am wondering whether or not I can claim my dog as a tax deduction. He seems very dependent on me the majority of the time.

- Signed,


Diver: Jennifer Johnson from the Mountain Market and Deli

Facts: More help from the mountain!


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.

Walkies, Walkies, Walkies,

As a dog owner, I understand your concern, but if we could claim our dogs then we could claim almost anything. That would mean cats, fish, birds, and even our houseplants. All of these things depend on us for nourishment. So what I'm saying is that we have to draw the line somewhere, right?

- Claiming Something,


Dear Diver,

Why do women in local bars treat me like a celebrity when I'm buying them drinks but then act like I've got hantavirus the moment their date shows up?

- Signed,

Freebie Jeebies

Dear Mr. Jeebies,

Why in the world do you think they treat you like a celebrity? Son, use that common sense the good Lord gave you! Of course the ladies love it when they receive a free drink or drinks. What, you think they're going to give you a high five and walk away? Not so much. Your tab is going to keep on getting bigger and the keg is going tobecome empty before you can ask, "Can I buy you another drink?" Of course you're going to have hantavirus when their date shows up, hence the word DATE. You're only good to them until their date shows up. So do you understand what I'm getting at? You can buy drinks for the ladies but limit the drinks. Other than that, you're on your own. Always know that you can buy me a drink or two ... or three.

- The drink's on you,



News Index Second Index Opinion Index Classifieds Index Contact Index