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Dear Diver,
With Paris Hilton having another TV show and killer waves wiping people off the face of the earth, is this the sign
of the approaching apocalypse?
- Matt, Boston via e-mail
Dear Matt,
I'm going to have to give you a two-part answer here. First, the Asian tsunami is a tragedy of such immense
proportions that it's beyond my Pabst-addled brain to explain. I'll leave it to a genius like Jerry Falwell to
comment on the biblical implications of such things, though he'll probably just blame it on the purple Teletubbie.
The omnipresence of Paris Hilton however is absolute, irrefutable proof that a God does exist. This God is very, very
angry with us. I expect locusts.
- Fearfully yours,
Diver
Dear Diver,
I'm concerned about the recent rash of celebrity nip slips. It seems that ever since Janet Jackson's "wardrobe
malfunction" at last year's Superbowl, every half-baked actress in the world won't stop exposing her mammary areas. I
can't decide, is this a good or a bad thing?
- Hurley Waldrip, Tacoma, Wash.
Dear Shaun,
It's a troubling trend indeed. Fame is such a powerful drug that some people will do anything to keep it, including
shedding every last ounce of self-respect in front of a national audience. Instead of seeing these slips as negative
(i.e. an indicator of the further unraveling of our country's moral fabric), I suggest you see them as a positive
growth step in the lives of these young women. It's as if they're saying "Hey America, all I have left to offer is a
glimpse of my recent plastic surgery." It demonstrates a level of self-awareness most of us can only hope to attain.
Like when Steve Guttenberg made Police Academy 4.
- Yours in enlightenment,
Diver
Dear Diver,
Whatever happened to that one short, big-nosed drunk about town who seems to be missing these past months or is it
years?
Signed,Curious |
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Diver: Guest Diver Mike Sheahan, currently working
at the Eugene, Ore., TGI-Fridays
Facts: Mike longs to move onto working at the Eugene Alaskan Bush Factory or some other keen place with a cool name.
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Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
telegraph@durangotelegraph.com,
or by fax at 259-0448. |
Dear Curious,
You moved to Texas.
- Missing you, Diver
Dear Diver,
I work with a guy who is a big fan of the band, Triumph. I would say that Triumph is the most integral part of his
life .I have heard so much Triumph in the last few months that I've even had a recurring dream where the members of
Triumph are chasing me in a rocket ship shaped like a guitar.Whenever I play my music, he'll say such things as "Rik
Emmet could kill this guy in a guitar duel" or "They totally ripped off that melody from 'Fight the Good Fight.'"
I'm just afraid that I'm going to blowup and tell him how much I've come to hate Triumph. What would be the best course
of action, considering I need to keep good relations with this guy?
- Dan
Dear Dan,
Dude, I feel your pain. I once had a co-worker who played the same song over and over. The song? "Fat Bottomed Girls"
by Queen. I nearly went insane. I suggest you retaliate the same way I did. Simply steal all of this guy's Triumph
recordings, grind them into a fine powder and, over the course of several months, feed them to him in a series of
"hey, the coffee is on me" mornings. Sure he'll replace his lost discs and you'll still have to endure endless runs
of "Magic Power" and "I Live for the Weekend," but you'll have plenty a chuckle as your pal thanks you for yet
another piping hot polycarbonate latte.
- Yours in revenge,
Diver
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