What is the best way to motivate children? You know, homework, chores and the like. I give my kids allowance, but even if you threaten them with no allowance, they don't care.

- Janet,

in Durango West

Dear Janet,

Silly Janet! Don't you know these are the times of a Donald Trump reality series and the likes of subhuman Paris Hilton on the boob tube? Do you really think a measly $20 will get your child to do anything? Attempt the tried-and-true threat of sending your rebel child to a religious-fanatic foster family, or, better yet, lock them out of the house and make them pay their own way through life, it's the only way I got to where I am today!

- Thanks Mom,

The Diver

Dear Diver,

I just broke up with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, we live in a small town and it sucks because I see her everywhere! The break-up was mutual, but it's tough because she has already found someone new, and I get uncomfortable when I see them. I don't want to move, and I'm bumming out. Help ease the pain for me, please.

- Jack


I am sure you have noticed, small towns make for a small dating pool. Don't you know the oldsaying, "In a small town you don't lose your girlfriend, just your turn?" Don'tfeel sorry for yourself. Invite her new boyfriend out for a few drinks at one of our high quality local drinking establishments andgive him tips on how to please his new mate. You may just make a new friend, and the only person feeling awkward will be that dirty @#$%&. Quit bein' such a crybaby and get back into that fine dating pool that is El Rancho.

- Happy hunting,

The Diver

Dear Diver,

I often drive to work early, and I notice a lot of cars that don't scrape the frost off their windshields. Or, there are some who will just scrape a little area so they can see out of the windshield. Don't these morons realize they could hurt someone not being able to see out of their side windows and all? Is not scraping your windshield illegal?

- Angered yet concerned driver

Diver: Meryl from Nature's Oasis

Facts: Meryl dives in the produce section, yes, your fruit and vegetables need Diver maintenance too!


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Angered,

Your letter belies your Texan rearing? First off, I'd like to enlighten you a bit. Here in Colorado we like to drink lots. On frosty mornings such as the ones we have been experiencing recently, sometimes we are a smidge hung over. Who likes to be out in the freezing cold morning whilst hung over? NO ONE! Anyone experienced in cold weather driving will tell you, all the frost removal necessary is the 3-square-inch space in front of your face, making for minimal frost removal time. What should piss you off is when people drive with huge mounds of snow on their vehicles, which causes chunks of snow to blow onto your car. You people should watch out.

- Lovingly,

The Diver


I'm sick of my parents treating me like a kid! I'm 14 years old, and they still monitor my activities like I'm 10. I get good grades, am responsible, don't do drugs or drink (although my friends are starting to), and I think I'm a good person. How can I get them to trust me?

- Your friend,


Dear young Billy,

Tell Janet to lighten up.

- Sincerely,

The Diver



News Index Second Index Opinion Index Classifieds Index Contact Index