A good week to leave town
By Ted Holteen

I should have taken this week off. You see it all the time in other major publications: "Larry King is on vacation. His column will return next week." Or, "Sean Hannity is getting his third lobotomy. During his absence, we bring you 'Classic Ziggy.'" Not every media outlet has this luxury. Have you ever wondered how so-called "serious" news networks find the time for an eight-minute feature on a funnel cake stand on the Atlantic City Boardwalk run by the only Marine injured in the liberation of Grenada or a refreshing look at obesity through the swollen eyes of Kirstie Alley? It's because nothing is going on, at all, anywhere. If you're looking at a weekend in the hoosegow for your second DUI, now is as good a time as any to disappear for a couple of days. You won't miss much. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you filler.

Of course, I also exaggerate. It is graduation weekend for 200-plus FLC scholars, and the Summit at least has provided for an evening sure to keep a few of them up all night. Sure, your parents will be pissed that they flew in from New Hampshire, got gouged on holiday fares and spent $195 a night at the Strater only to rouse you out of a drug- and alcohol-induced coma 45 minutes after Congressman Udall shrugged his shoulders and tossed your sheepskin in the trash. But it's one of those "someday we'll look back on this and laugh" things. It'll make a great story, eventually. Anyway, the culprit for all of this is hip-hop mayhem with locals Dialogue opening for The Ground Zero Movement, which apparently is Denver's hottest hip-hop band. I wouldn't know, although I'm sure many people will have a fine time. If the choice were mine, I would've done this on Saturday night, but I guess you take Denver's hottest hip-hop band when you can get them, so Friday it is.

Also on Friday, Scoot 'n Blues welcomes back The Alex Maryol Band. The Santa Fe-based outfit is top-notch, and Maryol is quickly ascending into the upper echelon of blues/rock guitar society. And he's still a very young man. It's about the only show in town this weekend if you're looking for a live band in the traditional sense, but this one's a winner. Showtime is somewhere around 8 p.m.

And that's it. Crazy, huh? Durango, Colorado, a week before Christmas and the calendar is as wide open as the aforementioned Kirstie's cavernous mouth awaiting a Christmas ham. And I'm only halfway through my narrative. Now for some of that filler.

I was going to wait until next week for this, but instead you can look forward to guest critic Bryant Liggett's list of CDs of the year. (I know, I know, but you should still go to jail this weekend so you don't miss Christmas itself.) I have been striving to see that the Telegraph takes its rightful place in the canon of major players in the entertainment/news industry, and if there's one thing you can count on each year, it's that every one of them puts out a retrospective of the year that was. CNN, ESPN and VH1 have these things ready by late September. Now you may remember, last week I pledged to keep it positive as regards to the holiday season, or at least Christmas. Do not be confused by the ensuing words - this is a look back at the year, and in no way should the reader infer any yuletide specific bashing. With that in mind, here's why 2004 sucked:

10. Paris Hilton is on television, a lot.

9. There will be no Stanley Cup playoffs this year.

8. Ray Charles died, and Shakira didn't. I also had the opportunity to see a Shakira impersonator. Pinch me.

7. Rodney Dangerfield died, and Adam Sandler didn't. Nor did Justin Timberlake, Jeff Foxworthy or Bono. Thanks, Jesus.

6. Those damn beheading videos. Actually, I have to believe that the beheadings themselves were even worse than the videos. Thanks again, Jesus.

5. Real estate. And Realtors. And anyone else getting rich doing things that I would do too if I could afford it. Nothing fuels ideology like poverty and envy.

4. Ronald Reagan died. I know, you'd think this would be on the good list, but as it turns out, the legacy perpetuated in death by right-wing lunatics blurred the memory of his treasonous presidency and even got another war criminal re-elected. Ironic.

3. South Durango looks a little more like Highlands Ranch every day. And we lost our bowling alley and drive-in theater in the same year.

2. That war.

1. Election Day.

On a positive note, we'll never have to hear anything about a Phish show again, and the Sox won the Series, which is nice for them. But that's about it, and there's certainly nothing meriting the creation of a "best of" list. And I almost forgot - enough with Snoop Dogg, too. Jesus Christ.

What'd I leave out? ted@ksut.org. Only 74 shopping days 'til my birthday. Get on it. ☯