Why do some people who live in Durango, say "I'm going down to Denver?" Don't they realize Durango, even though higher in elevation, is actually south of Denver? Generally, you would refer to north as "up." Right? If I'm in Los Angeles I don't say, "I'm going down to San Francisco." So, basically, I have no question I just want to state that some people around here are geographically confused, maybe even stupid.

- Thanks,


Dearest Ginsel,

Most Americans think Central America means Kansas. As a legal alien from Sweden (a country in Northern Europe), I think it's safe to say that a lot of Americans are "geographically challenged." Examples? Too many to mention here. OK, here's one from right here in Durango. "Oh, you're from Sweden? I have a friend who plays hockey in Austria maybe you know him?" Ginsel, you gotta get up to get down!

- Diver

Dear Diver,

I have a neighbor who leaves his house at precisely 4:30 everyday and returns exactly at 5:30. Except for those times he never goes anywhere, and I've noticed that he's often up until 4 a.m. Do you think he's up to no good?

- Mike in Portland


If you're in Portland, Ore., a city (Pornland) with a huge sex industry (an estimated 2,000 strippers alone), your neighbor might be an adult entertainer with only one regular customer per night. I heard these guys make a lot of CA$H. Sounds like he lives alone, likes to party all night and sleep all day - the bastard! Mike, dude, he could totally hook you up!

- Diver


I have questions about Rastafarians. Not the white Rastafarians that plague this town, but the whole idea. Did you realize that Rastafarians are very anti-gay? They allow multiple wives? What the hell? The Rastas I know in this town are as militant as the Republican Party.

Your thoughts?

- Jim

Diver: Jonezy from Homeslice

Fact: Jonezy moonlights as a KDUR DJ, forever keeping your puppy skinny.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.


I want you to spell for me, New York. No seriously, I've been to Jamaica a few times and yes, homophobia is prevalent. I went to some "stage shows," and it's militant all right. Fog horns and spray-can flame throwers. Burning the batty man, Babylon and Bush. I don't know about multiple wives, but I know they don't eat panini. They are strictly vegetarian, don't share spliffs, touch fists and stay away from scissors and razors. Jim, you can't trim your split ends but you can cut your roots!

- Keep it high grade,



The other day on campus I was behind this car that stopped suddenly because another car was trying to turn into the always-busy parking lot. The car in front of me had to back up a bit to make room for this approaching vehicle and did so without seeing me right behind him. When I beeped my horn to keep him from hitting me, he gave me the finger. I was trying to keep this jerk from being in an accident! I had to go pick up my baby, but I remember what his car looks like, and I'm going to kick this dude's ass. Why are people, when behind the wheel, complete jerks?

- Mark

Mark my words,

When a man gets scared, feels foolish, uncool or taken by surprise, he will hide his fear and flaunt his anger. It's the way of the white, Western man. I suggest cognitive therapy. If you kick his ass, you will only be perpetuating the cycle of violence and animosity. The next time you see this dude, make eye contact, smile and let go. If you lead by example your baby will have an awesome dad. You might also experience a positive tingling sensation in your belly. Mark, yummy yummy yummy you've got love in your tummy!

- Diver



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