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Dear Diver,
I live at a place where a bunch of Hare Krishnas used to live. I like it here, but sometimes I think they put a curse on my house. You may not believe me, but one night I had a dream where I was being crushed by an elephant, but then I woke up to find a cat on my throat - not just any cat, but the one those Hare Krishnas left behind! We never let that cat inside because it likes to spray, so I have no idea how it got in here. What should I do?
- Signed,
"Troubled"
in Portland, Ore.
Troubled,
Crushed by an elephant? That sounds more like a Hindu curse to me ("stop chasing Ganesh, you'll only get more wrath.") Maybe Ganesh was saving you, that cat was clearly about to suck the life right out of you. I have a super-irrational fear of flying, so I never go to the airport, hence I know nothing of the Krishnas. Are they the cursing kind? That Joe Isuzu Krishna guy in the movie "Airplane" seemed alright. I think your problem lies with the feline. Cats have everybody fooled into thinking goats are the scary devil animal. If you discard a couple letters and re-arrange the others, "Beezlebub" totally spells cat. The Krishna Kat likes to spray, huh? Spray back. Try Raid.
- Thanks,
Diver
Dear Diver,
I am an Honest-to-God Rush fanatic, (No, I don't mean Rush Limbaugh. I mean the musical group). That band is the most highly skilled bunch of musicians to ever roam the Northern climes of Canada. I get into arguments with smug hipsters all the time who think Rush is just geeky "thought rock." How little do these snobs know - Rush kicks butt! (I bet these people haven't even heard "Cygnus X-1" or the rest of "Farewell to Kings" for that matter!) In these days of bad Canadian bands like Nickelback, we need more real musicians like Geddy Lee, Alex Lifeson and Neil Peart.
- Signed, By-Tor "YYZ" Strangiato
AKA "The Necromancer"
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Diver:
Mike "Squeak" Uhland, from Guido's
Facts:
Mike knows that the majority of people in America who vote are complete morons.
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By-Tor,
Where would the mullet be without Rush? I used to like Rush a lot, my
pin number will forever be 2112. It all came crashing down when I saw
them for two separate tours and they insisted on having Mr. Big open
up both times. Absolute crap. What we need are stricter border controls.
Neil Young, Gordon Lightfoot, D.O.A. and Agent Orange can all come and
go as they please. Rush can come back, but only with the heads of Nickleback
(Canadian Creed?) in a sack. YYZ does always make me feel like I'm living
in a Tom & Jerry cartoon, which is fun. "The Necromancer?" You should check out that T.S.O.L. song "Code Blue" and
think about that rock.
- Diver
Diver,
Now that rodeo season is over, let me ask you something. How stupid are these rodeo cowboys? A girl I work with was upset because last summer her stupid bronco-busting boyfriend broke three ribs. My response was "what the hell was he doing on that horseback?" She got upset. Those animals don't want you on them. At a bullfight, or rodeo, I cheer for the animal. And I'm no friend of PETA, I just don't like animals senselessly being hurt by rednecks. By the way, those tight jeans cowboys think they look so cool in really look stupid, hurt your chances of being fertile and make your junk smaller than it already is.
- Thanks,
Kathleen
Kathleen,
Not stupid enough. They are still all over the place. This is a good thing - the opportunities for "bare backing" jokes they provide are limitless. Your response to your co-worker should have been, "What the hell was he bare backing that horse for?" So, "No Friend of PETA," is it OK if animals are senselessly hurt by people other than rednecks? I've heard in Oregon they have crazy Hare Krishna bareback cat rodeos. Lastly, don't let on about the jeans. The last thing the world needs is more fertile cowboys - you think the animal kingdom has bare-backing problems now?
- Diver
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