Dear Diver,

My wife does not like my excessive use of duct tape. I use it to fix everything. Belts, rear-view mirrors, strollers, you name it, I'll duct-tape it. My wife says it "looks ghetto." I'll tell you one thing, if duct-tape is in the ghetto, it's one of the only things working! How can I convince her that looks don't get the job done!

- Thanks,
Lance via e-mail

Look Hoss,

Maybe the wifie is jealous that the duct tape isn't fixing anything in the boudoir. Nothing like a steamy bondage session to turn ghetto-flab into ghetto-fab. If that doesn't change her mind, you know what they say, "if you can't duct it, &$#% it."

- Sincerely,
The Bondage Sisters


Is everything in the world targeted toward children? Movies, Wal-Mart, television, I think every ad I see is attractive to kids. The way things in America are, all it takes is a kid to whine and the parent gets suckered into buying a toy that won't get used. How can we stop this?

- Bill
Listen Chach,

Until parents stop pacifying their children with small plastic toys made by small Chinese hands you're going to have to accept that this world is going to hell in a hand basket (and the hand basket was made in China too).

- Love,
Anti-Globalization Chicas

Dear Diver,

I know you have heard this before. My kid wants to get a tattoo, and of course I say no. Should I just give in, since tattoos don't mean anything any more? It seems that now every sissy and nerd from here to Bangkok has one, expressing individuality with another 50 billion "individuals." I'm just afraid of having something ugly on my baby!

- Mom in Mancos

Dear Mom in Mancos,

Ease up Momma, like you said tattoos aren't that big of a deal anymore. Take a trip with your child to get the tattoo and encourage him to get a "Mom" tattoo with a heart placed on the bicep or left buttock. Worst case scenario, if your sweet baby gets a flaming skull or a huge snake maybe he won't look like the big sissy/nerd everyone thinks he is. Could even stop the daily ass-kickings that overbearing moms seem to bring on their children.

Lighten up, individualization is cool,
- The Divers

Diver: Gina and Stacie from Le Rendezvous

Facts : Both are firm believers that waving of empty coffee cups, snapping of fingers and shrieking, "Miss, oh, Miss" across the room while there is a line out the door signify serious caffeine addiction


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.


Since Bush has been in office I have noticed that many more people are "activism-conscious." So if Bush loses, will these people just become complacent and lazy? Should we keep Bush in office to keep people motivated and thinking?

- Concerned,
Kris from D-West

Dear Concerned Kris,

Your concern for activism-consciousness leads us to address a more local problem. This problem is the brutal murdering of our fruits and vegetables sparked by the raw diet craze. Every time I hear a juicer, I hear the thousands of screams from my sister carrot and my brother wheat grass. Every time I hear the crisp chomp of the first bite of an apple I cry, oh how I cry, of the brutal mastication of my sister, the apple. And every time I talk to someone and notice a piece of spinach stuck between their teeth it's as if I'm looking into an exhumed grave. Let's join together citizens of Durango and stop this massacre that's happening in our very own community. Regardless of your activist convictions exercise your right to vote.

- Voting is cool,
The Divers



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