Diver,
My parents are planning our holiday vacation at Club Med in California. I just want to go to the beach. Club Med sucks! I hate golf, I wanna play lacrosse! Should I go with them, or go to Newport Beach by myself?

David

David,
I feel your pain. Sometimes it is amazing what our families expect of us, isn't it? Don't get me wrong, I understand that our culture places a lot of emphasis on things like selflessness, family time, and charity, especially during the holidays. This may not be all bad either, but sometimes the degree of self sacrifice expected of us from family members can be truly unreal. Club Med?!! What a grotesque obligation! Could it be your family is punishing you for something? I would go if I were you, but I would be VERY vocal about the imposition.

Diver

Diver,

Morons riding long skateboards are a freaking hazard! They fly around, jumping off to grab their skateboard, but not before they come close to hurting someone. Most people have no business riding these things! How can I send a message that when I get hit by a flying skateboard an ass kicking will follow?
David

David,
Although at first your question irritated and disgusted me, I have to admit you may have a good point. I enjoy long boarding, but one should realize one’s limits and not flail on hills populated with pedestrians. This sport, like many others, is driven by machismo coupled with a fear of looking like a wussy. Exploit this. Let offending rookie long boarders know that any hill smaller than North College is a pathetic waste of time.

–Thanks, Diver

P.S. I have never, nor do I intend to, ridden North College. That’s friggin’ nuts.

Dear Diver,
I have this suspicion my girl is cheating. So I’m going to say I have to go out of town and hide under the bed. When she comes and shoes fall off, lookout. Pretty cool huh?
– Rhett

Rhett,
Damn right it’s cool. Nothing says “healthy relationship” like spiteful vengeance. The whole scenario reminds me of a relationship I was involved in with a downstairs neighbor. On the chosen night, I waited patiently upstairs, listening for my moment. Just like a scene out of a Dostoevsky novel, my timing was flawless. When I knew they were in her room, I ran downstairs and flung the door open. I will never forget the look of surprise on their faces as I barged in, face streaming tears and runny snot. It will be forever etched in my memory.

– Good luck buddy,
Diver