I work with someone who has really bad B.O. I think people with B.O.
who gag me with their foul odor are invading my personal space. I'd
rather be punched in the face than smell this guy. Can't there be a
law against smelly people, making them bathe or use deodorant?
– Curious, Mac
I had a good friend in high school who, in 11th grade, started hanging
out with a Christian youth group. There is nothing wrong with that,
it's just that he became pathologically quiet and stopped using deodorant,
(I know this because he smelled like a regular skunk). Now I know that
there's nothing in the Law of Moses that prevents people from using
deodorant, but I do wonder if my friend stopped using it out of religious
zeal. Therefore, I think you should forgive your co-worker's aromatic
sins. After all, when Doomsday arrives, the Devil may start sniffing
people's underarms so that he can damn all dastardly deodorant-users
to the netherworld. In that case, you'd have more to worry about than
someone else's body odor.
– Keep it real, The Diver
I live in Gem Village and for some reason, there seems to be a disproportionately
high number of letters written to this column from Gem Village. Now,
I know just about everyone here (I've been here for 18 years) and there
just aren't many people like the people represented in these letters.
So, whoever is sending these fake letters posing as a Gem Villager,
stop. You are giving us a bad name.
– Thanks, Gem Village Jim
Dear “Gem Village Idiot,”
Why don't you pack up your petty possessions, put 'em in Gem Storage
and get outta town. I know for a fact that it's been you who's written
all the fake letters. You see, I'm also an expert in discerning people's
writing styles (I have a master's degree in style), and it's become
evident to me that you're playing a malevolent game with the good people
of Gem Village. Now that you've “discovered” that all these Gem Village
letters are fakes, I suppose you think you've gotten away with it? “He
who smelt it, dealt it,” as the ancient saying goes. You ought to be
– Insincerely, The Diver
Is it true that you have to kiss the foot of Sleeping Ute Mountain
in order to successfully leave Durango (and not keep returning)? I'm
graduating from the Fort this year, and I want to make a clean break.
– Super Senior
Dear Super Senior,
I don't know whether kissing the Sleeping Ute's toe will forever release
you from the Four Corners, but I do know from experience that kissing
Meatloaf's ass will give you a serious case of the heebeejeebees.
– Thank you,
Diver: Dan Groth from EVERYWHERE
Facts: Honestly, for real, the last time Dan will
appear in this column. He's leaving town, to explore
the sinks and kitchens of Portland, Ore.
Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
or by fax at 259-0448.
Tending to my boyfriend after yet another too-wet
night, I find myself befuddled but suspicious after he,
in his drunken stupor, exclaimed, “Mercutio, your pain resides within me!” Is
it time to give him the rainbow-flag farewell and move on?
– Veronica from
As to your boyfriend's sexuality (you seem to be implying
that he is gay), I can't tell. Mercutio, the character from “Romeo
and Juliet,” was never explicitly identified, (or definitively
inferred), as homosexual, so it is possible your boyfriend
is just a bawdy, epigram-spouting ne'er-do-well who always
seems to offend the gentry. Or your boyfriend is destined
to be killed in a sword fight. In any case, you should dump