My friend suddenly became a "punk rocker." He now spends about an hour
a morning doing his hair into a mohawk. Tell me, is primping and concerning
yourself with fashion really punk? He has this "I don't care attitude" but
how can someone "not care" but spend all this time on hair care?
Unless your friend wakes up every morning in a gutter encrusted with
broken glass, vomit and blood (jail counts), he has a long way to go
to suddenly becoming a punk rocker. An hour doing his hair into a mohawk?
It should take about six minutes: dog clippers, gelatin (the real boiled-hoof
kind) and/or egg whites. No more showers either. A true punk should
be able to out-stink an entire rainbow gathering. Here is a fun idea
to quickly teach him about being a true punk. Give him a "LET'S GET
WESTERN" T-shirt, get him real drunk, carve a Dead Kennedys symbol Manson
style upon his melon, take his stupid square-studded poser belt, beat
him with it, slip him a bunch of speed and drop him off at the rodeo.
I'm sure when he gets out of the hospital everything will be fine. If
he persists, "Props."
P.S. If he is listening to Backstreet Charlotte or Blink-N'Sync or
whatever, it's a lost cause. Find a new friend.
- Thanks, Diver
I'm a college student who stayed in town for the summer. My girlfriend
went back to Wisconsin and now she's returning. After a summer of bachelorhood,
I'm not quite sure I want to continue the relationship. How should I
cut her loose?
- Bachelor X in Hermosa
Hmmm. You could just not call her and pretend to not see her because
you don't know how to tactfully convey your supreme self-centeredness
and then you can feel like an ass every time you see her friends who
know the score. So yeah - of course this is selfishness; it's rude and
stupid too. Besides, how great can Bachelorhood in Hermosa be? When
you get lonely, call Brenda. If your mullet is worthy, she's sure to
I live in a quiet neighborhood in the summer, then in the fall when
school returns the drunk college students turn my quiet neighborhood
into Bourbon Street. It sucks. How can I make sure the rentals in my
neighborhood go to respectable people instead of beer hungry trust funders?
I don't know. Move to Provo? Of course, then you would have to deal
with convert hungry BYU students.
- Good luck, Diver
Diver: Squeak from Guido's
Facts: Squeak knows everything about true punk rock,
girlfriends, and reckless driving.
Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
or by fax at 259-0448.
How can I get the cars on my street to slow down? I live on CR 203,
where the speed limit is 35 mph. Cars travel 50, even 60 mph on a
regular basis. Calls to police to increase radar/patrol are basically
ignored. Driving that fast on that road is dangerous, there are kids
and pets out there! How can I get this message across that cars must
- Mitch in Hermosa
I think that at night at least, some randomly placed flat black concrete
barriers would do the trick. Maybe some of those "Slow - Children
at play" signs; those are always a hoot. Get a few of those child
size CPR dummies, dress them as your own and stage a few "accidents." Instead
of telling the police someone is speeding, tell them someone is smoking
pot. That's sure to increase patrols.
- Yours in the law, Diver