Dear Diver,

My friend suddenly became a "punk rocker." He now spends about an hour a morning doing his hair into a mohawk. Tell me, is primping and concerning yourself with fashion really punk? He has this "I don't care attitude" but how can someone "not care" but spend all this time on hair care?

- Jessie

Jessie,

Unless your friend wakes up every morning in a gutter encrusted with broken glass, vomit and blood (jail counts), he has a long way to go to suddenly becoming a punk rocker. An hour doing his hair into a mohawk? It should take about six minutes: dog clippers, gelatin (the real boiled-hoof kind) and/or egg whites. No more showers either. A true punk should be able to out-stink an entire rainbow gathering. Here is a fun idea to quickly teach him about being a true punk. Give him a "LET'S GET WESTERN" T-shirt, get him real drunk, carve a Dead Kennedys symbol Manson style upon his melon, take his stupid square-studded poser belt, beat him with it, slip him a bunch of speed and drop him off at the rodeo. I'm sure when he gets out of the hospital everything will be fine. If he persists, "Props."

P.S. If he is listening to Backstreet Charlotte or Blink-N'Sync or whatever, it's a lost cause. Find a new friend.

- Thanks, Diver

Dear Diver,

I'm a college student who stayed in town for the summer. My girlfriend went back to Wisconsin and now she's returning. After a summer of bachelorhood, I'm not quite sure I want to continue the relationship. How should I cut her loose?

- Bachelor X in Hermosa

Bachelor X,

Hmmm. You could just not call her and pretend to not see her because you don't know how to tactfully convey your supreme self-centeredness and then you can feel like an ass every time you see her friends who know the score. So yeah - of course this is selfishness; it's rude and stupid too. Besides, how great can Bachelorhood in Hermosa be? When you get lonely, call Brenda. If your mullet is worthy, she's sure to oblige.

-Diver

Diver,

I live in a quiet neighborhood in the summer, then in the fall when school returns the drunk college students turn my quiet neighborhood into Bourbon Street. It sucks. How can I make sure the rentals in my neighborhood go to respectable people instead of beer hungry trust funders?

- Marge

Marge,

I don't know. Move to Provo? Of course, then you would have to deal with convert hungry BYU students.

- Good luck, Diver