My brother and I live together, and we constantly argue over dish-washing methods. He doesn't like to soak really dirty dishes and it makes me mad! He'll make a lasagna and then insist that I clean the pan instantly, with all this dried, burnt lasagna in it. If it soaks for a bit, that stuff becomes loose and will come off easier. Am I right?

- Patrick, via e-mail.


I am in definite agreement with you. To soak a dish for an hour is to eliminate approximately 10 minutes of total labor. What you really need, though, is my Auto-Chlor dishwasher. The first cycle dispenses a detergent, the second cycle a sanitizing agent, and the third a chlorine rinse aid. Yes, my Auto-Chlor machine is far more efficient than the old, 3-sink method used by most Americans. It eliminates much unnecessary caloric waste and allows for more quality lollygagging. Why haven't industrial-strength dishwashers become a public commodity? I don't know for sure, but I think it has something to do with freedom haters like the Soviets. If only we were to let the market operate unregulated, every American could attain the dream of owning a powerful dishwasher.

- Thanks, Diver

Dear Diver,

I have a question about smoking. Why do people smoke and then complain about how much they don't like smoking and how hard it is to quit some years after they start? If they know they will want to quit later, why start?

- Curious, Marc

Hey Marc,

People don't take up smoking with the intent of getting addicted. They start, increase daily usage and eventually reach two packs a day. I would've thought you'd be more understanding, Mac, considering your crippling addiction to Robitussin.

- Sincerely, The Diver


I'm tired of protest music! Why are so many new bands out there trying to change the world with lyrics? By the way activist musicians, it isn't working! Anyway, are there any cool modern bands writing songs about drinking beer and chasing girls?

- Lou


You are correct. Protest songs tend to preach to the choir, are oftentimes insipid and generally don't change minds. Songs about love, Saturday night and driving real fast are great because they encapsulate strong emotions into a 3-minute song, allowing one to focus the rest of the day on the larger issues that protest songs address. One notable exception to this rule is the song "Don't Kill the Whale" by the band, Yes. That piece has actually caused people to not "Kill the Whale."

- Yours, The Diver


Diver: Dan Groth, from Cuckoo's

Facts: Absolutely the last time, ever, that Dan Groth will be Diver. You thought you saw the last of him with the demise of the Buzz House. Well, guess again. But this is it. He's done.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

I recently was tracked down by the alumni association of my high school. They asked me if I wanted to donate to the athletic department, with funds going toward the football team. I said "Hell, no!" The jocks in high school made my life miserable. The person on the other end of the phone said that the football team is no longer typical "jocks." I laughed. A meathead is a meathead, whether its 1987 or 2004. Just because they are bigger than most people doesn't mean it's OK to make other people's high school experience terrible. What do you think?

- Jim


You are right in that your alma mater's football team is probably full of meatheads - high school jock culture nearly always has a mentality of prided ignorance. This does not mean that all athletes are numbskulls, it's just that the herd mentality of adolescence encourages individuals to posture themselves as big, dumb idiots. Maybe you should consider donating money to your high school's art or music programs. I wrote a song about your letter. It's called, "Feelings, not Football," and I expect it to spawn a revolution.

- Sincerely, The Diver



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