My brother and I live together, and we constantly argue over dish-washing
methods. He doesn't like to soak really dirty dishes and it makes me
mad! He'll make a lasagna and then insist that I clean the pan instantly,
with all this dried, burnt lasagna in it. If it soaks for a bit, that
stuff becomes loose and will come off easier. Am I right?
- Patrick, via e-mail.
I am in definite agreement with you. To soak a dish for an hour is
to eliminate approximately 10 minutes of total labor. What you really
need, though, is my Auto-Chlor dishwasher. The first cycle dispenses
a detergent, the second cycle a sanitizing agent, and the third a chlorine
rinse aid. Yes, my Auto-Chlor machine is far more efficient than the
old, 3-sink method used by most Americans. It eliminates much unnecessary
caloric waste and allows for more quality lollygagging. Why haven't
industrial-strength dishwashers become a public commodity? I don't know
for sure, but I think it has something to do with freedom haters like
the Soviets. If only we were to let the market operate unregulated,
every American could attain the dream of owning a powerful dishwasher.
- Thanks, Diver
I have a question about smoking. Why do people smoke and then complain
about how much they don't like smoking and how hard it is to quit some
years after they start? If they know they will want to quit later, why
- Curious, Marc
People don't take up smoking with the intent of getting addicted. They
start, increase daily usage and eventually reach two packs a day. I
would've thought you'd be more understanding, Mac, considering your
crippling addiction to Robitussin.
- Sincerely, The Diver
I'm tired of protest music! Why are so many new bands out there trying
to change the world with lyrics? By the way activist musicians, it isn't
working! Anyway, are there any cool modern bands writing songs about
drinking beer and chasing girls?
You are correct. Protest songs tend to preach to the choir, are oftentimes
insipid and generally don't change minds. Songs about love, Saturday
night and driving real fast are great because they encapsulate strong
emotions into a 3-minute song, allowing one to focus the rest of the
day on the larger issues that protest songs address. One notable exception
to this rule is the song "Don't Kill the Whale" by the band, Yes. That
piece has actually caused people to not "Kill the Whale."
- Yours, The Diver
Diver: Dan Groth, from Cuckoo's
Facts: Absolutely the last time, ever, that Dan Groth
will be Diver. You thought you saw the last of him
with the demise of the Buzz House. Well, guess again.
But this is it. He's done.
Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
or by fax at 259-0448.
I recently was tracked down by the alumni association of
my high school. They asked me if I wanted to donate to the athletic
department, with funds going toward the football team. I said "Hell, no!" The
jocks in high school made my life miserable. The person on the other
end of the phone said that the football team is no longer typical "jocks." I
laughed. A meathead is a meathead, whether its 1987 or 2004.
Just because they are bigger than most people doesn't mean it's OK
to make other people's high school experience terrible. What do you
You are right in that your alma mater's football team is probably
full of meatheads - high school jock culture nearly always has a mentality
of prided ignorance. This does not mean that all athletes are numbskulls,
it's just that the herd mentality of adolescence encourages individuals
to posture themselves as big, dumb idiots. Maybe you should consider
donating money to your high school's art or music programs. I wrote
a song about your letter. It's called, "Feelings, not Football," and
I expect it to spawn a revolution.
- Sincerely, The Diver