After finishing at Fort Leisure, I still have no clue about what I want to do. Does this mean I got a crappy education or does it mean something worse?

- Barney


Put down the bong, pause the X-box and listen. There is nothing wrong with the education you received. The education was probably even above par. What you do need to reflect upon is how the hell you occupied yourself during the six years it took you to complete your degree. An education is only asA0valuable asA0what you put into it. So, in response to your question, it means something much worse. You are confused and unmotivated and perhaps lacking vision. But there is light at the end of the tunnel, most people have no clue as to what they really want to do. You have a lifetime to figure it out. Until then, we are sure there is a bar stool at the Ranch with your name on it.

- Best of luck,

The Divers


I wrote recently asking how to make my kids not act so spoiled. They used to complain about not having enough video games, would waste food, etc. Well, to curb this I took them to some of the poorest parts of Mexico. We walked around, and we saw many unfortunate families, without even a piece of bread to put in their mouths. These kids were damn happy! This made my children realize they were spoiled brats. I think it worked, at least it did for now. What do you think, pretty good problem solving huh?

- Mom

Mommy Dearest,

Well done on your part. But do you feel as if a quick little walk around the slums is going to make a lasting impression on your children? We feel that you should be more proactive. Here's the plan: Without consulting your children or other family members, drop the kiddies on the doorstep of one of those cheery Mexican slum houses. Let them experience the life, give them a few discarded hypodermic needles to play with for good measure. Keep them wondering, "Is Mommy ever coming back for us?" Offer to take them back only after their backs have been broken in the fields. This is the only way to truly educate our young.

- Take the extra step,

The Divers


Election time is coming, and I fear civil unrest in this country. The Bush supporters are so blind, and political arguments with them get very heated. The anti-Bush people are so serious about getting this guy out of office, it's crazy, and they are heated too. I fear if there is any funny business, we'll have a bigger, uglier, more un-organized battle than the Civil War. How can we calm everyone down?

- Peaceful, middle-of-the-road voter in Mancos

Dear P.M.O.T.R.V.I.M.,

It's good that people are pissed. Bravo America, get mad. The current situation is better than four years ago when no one cared either way. Look at what the apathy led to. But I wouldn't be too worried, we are still McDonalds' and Wal-Mart's America; wetoo lazy to start a civil war. Plus we've already tried the brother against brother thing, and we're not into it. But if we ever attacked Ohio, we'd kick some ass. Operation Ohio Liberation.

- Feel the Fury,

The Divers

Divers: Trey and Milli from Nini's.

Facts: Nini's has Durango's highest concentration of masters degree holders that choose to wash dishes for a living.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.

Dear Diver,

My husband has always thought of himself as a "writer," even though he flunked out of Fort Lewis College twice. He writes recreationally, has never had anything published but still plods on. He models himself after Charles Bukowski and Hunter S. Thompson, who to me are great writers. But the only thing my husband has in common with them is the fact that he is a drunk. Telling him he is no writer is pointless. How can I convince him to go back to school and stick with education (perhaps this will give him the discipline to attempt to research and write something good) or he will go nowhere?

- Patricia


You and Barney should have a heart to heart. The fact that your husband flunked out of college on multiple occasions is irrelevant. We don't think that your husband's writing career is what needs discussion. Your superiority complex on the other hand is in need of heavy discussion, therapy even. Why do you feel that it is necessary to squander your husband's creative endeavors? Belittling him without shame because of his failed scholastic history as a way for you to place yourself above him is a bit sickening. You should examine the state of your self-esteem. What the hell did you get a degree in anyway? Assholism? No wonder your husband drinks. To Patty's husband, don't let the man (your wife) get you down.

- Leave your husband alone,

The Divers



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