Diver,

I'm writing from jail. My cousin, who lives in Durango, has been sending me your paper, and I like it. For some reason, this liberal crap gets by the prison mail censors. I've been in for 20 years, but I get out soon and am wondering who can teach me how to use computers, ATM machines and the like? You may not know this, but progress has made things very different than they were in 1984.

- Mac, inmate #43682W, Louisiana State Penitentiary, Angola

Dear Mac,

I got two words for ya, "Devry Institute."

- Good luck, Diver

Dear Diver,

My kids are at the age where they are learning about health in school. Now they get on me for smoking and drinking. Don't they realize I do this because of them? Seriously, school is teaching them this is all bad, and my thoughts are that a little smoking and drinking is OK. I drink one glass of red wine a day and smoke a cigar after dinner. How do I counter-act what the school is teaching them? After all, it won't be long until my son is 16 and he will get loaded on cheap wine ... your thoughts?

- Don in Durango

Dear Don,

You don't smoke and drink because of your kids. You do it because you choose to. Don't you realize this? As far as counter-acting teaching goes, that's easy! Teach the opposite.

- Duh, Diver

Dear Diver,

I don't know what is worse, the bears who tip over my trash cans at night or the drunks who tip over my trash cans at night! Would it be wrong to set traps, for the bears and the drunks, or should I take this issue up with animal control or the police?

- Lauren

Dear Lauren,

I don't know what is worse, your stupid question, or the fact that I have to answer it. Either way, it's still a waste of newsprint. All right, here goes ...YES!

- Thanks for not writing back, Diver