Dear Diver,

I was in town last night and as I was putting my
9-month-old daughter in her car seat, a dog without
a collar came running up to my car, looking
confused. Then the dog jumped into my car, over
my baby in her car seat, stepping on her. Then the
dog’s owner shows up. He was scolded by me of
course, apologized, and basically split. Can we send
a message to the public, that if you are going to
own a dog, keep it in control?

- Dad in Durango

Dear Dad,

Obviously this dog was “confused,” or so you put it. Isn’t it amazing how animals jump through parents onto their children? At any rate, dogs are wild, unpredictable animals, so I suggest carrying a Taser at all times for encounters with both dogs and their owners. Never mind the “could haves and would haves.”

- Product of an overprotective parent, Diver

Dear Diver,

When a doped out girl walks up to me and blows
glitter all over me (after I asked her nicely not to),
do I have the green light to dump my beer on her

- Curious,

Dear Jon,

I suggest you get creative and consider blowing something
into her face. If your temper calls for a more extreme
retaliation, give her a taste of her own medicine. Politely ask
her if you may pour your beer on her head. When she so
bitterly declines with disgust at your idea? Green light.
Maybe even clip one of her wings?

- Flat beer works best,
The Diver


My son wants to become a vegetarian! I can’t believe this, we’ve been hunting and fishing together since he was a boy, and now this. If we weren’t supposed to eat meat why did God give us teeth that tear cooked flesh? Why are animals made of meat? How can I convince him that being a vegetarian isn’t that healthy? Most vegetarians are skinny and look sick.

- Meat and Potatoes Mike

Dear Meat and Potatoes,

Try to think of a new hobby you and your son could take up and enjoy together, like picking pods of soy beans or
weaving rope sandals. As for the reason animals are made of meat, I’m not sure what “God’s” intention was. Aren’t
humans made of meat as well?

- Yours in cannibalism,

Diver: Maggie from J-Bo’s.

Facts: Maggie is a true Diver and boldly tells the truth, whether it hurts or not.


Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?

Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at, or by fax at 259-0448.


Like you, I work in the food industry. I know it's wrong but every time a customer is rude, I feel like spitting in his or her food. Just last night a teen-ager, after ordering his pizza, remarked "get on that, pizza boy." Well, guess what he got in his pizza? Is this wrong? What can I do to either calm myself or make customers nicer?

Anonymous cook in Telluride via e-mail


Yes, it is totally wrong and disgusting. Maybe next time you should tell him it will be ready as soon as possible and take your sweet time. Remember, you only have to deal with him for a few minutes. If you really feel the need for revenge you could put some hot sauce on his pizza.


Dear Diver,

I’m in love with a woman that can’t cook. I want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her, but I don’t want to tell her I want to
cook the meals for us. What can I do?

- Hungry in Hermosa

Dear Hungry,

If I have a good idea of women like I think I do (considering
I am one), your girlfriend has successfully tricked you
into taking on her unwanted domestic responsibilities.
Don’t inform her that you know she has won, she will think
your cooking is a nice gesture. Nice gestures always lead to
other, rewarding nice gestures from your counterpart. Try
taking on the laundry and cleaning as well.

- You’ve been suckered,
The Diver



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