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Dear Diver,
I was in town last night and as I was putting my
9-month-old daughter in her car seat, a dog without
a collar came running up to my car, looking
confused. Then the dog jumped into my car, over
my baby in her car seat, stepping on her. Then the
dog’s owner shows up. He was scolded by me of
course, apologized, and basically split. Can we send
a message to the public, that if you are going to
own a dog, keep it in control? - Dad in Durango
Dear Dad,
Obviously this dog was “confused,” or so you put it. Isn’t
it amazing how animals jump through parents onto their
children? At any rate, dogs are wild, unpredictable animals,
so I suggest carrying a Taser at all times for encounters
with
both dogs and their owners. Never mind the “could haves
and would haves.” - Product of an overprotective parent,
Diver
Dear Diver,
When a doped out girl walks up to me and blows
glitter all over me (after I asked her nicely not to),
do I have the green light to dump my beer on her
head?
- Curious,
Jon
Dear Jon,
I suggest you get creative and consider blowing something
into her face. If your temper calls for a more extreme
retaliation, give her a taste of her own medicine. Politely
ask
her if you may pour your beer on her head. When she so
bitterly declines with disgust at your idea? Green light.
Maybe even clip one of her wings?
- Flat beer works best,
The Diver
Diver,
My son wants to become a vegetarian! I can’t
believe this, we’ve
been hunting and
fishing together
since he was a
boy, and now
this. If we
weren’t supposed
to eat meat why
did God give us
teeth that tear
cooked flesh?
Why are animals
made of meat?
How can I convince
him that
being a vegetarian
isn’t that
healthy? Most vegetarians are skinny and look sick. - Meat and Potatoes Mike
Dear Meat and Potatoes,
Try to think of a new hobby you and your son
could take up and enjoy together, like picking pods of soy beans
or
weaving rope sandals. As for the reason animals are made of
meat, I’m not sure what “God’s” intention
was. Aren’t
humans made of meat as well?
- Yours in cannibalism,
Diver
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Diver: Maggie from J-Bo’s.
Facts: Maggie is a true Diver and boldly tells the
truth,
whether it hurts or not.
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Got a dirty little secret?
Looking for guidance to remedy a sticky situation?
Seek help from the master of the kitchen! The Dish Diver has solutions
to life's little messes. Send your problems to "Ask
the Diver." - By mail to Durango Telegraph - Attn
Diver -534 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301; by email at
telegraph@durangotelegraph.com,
or by fax at 259-0448. |
Diver,
Like you, I work in the food industry. I know
it's wrong but every time a customer is rude, I feel like
spitting in his or her food. Just last night a teen-ager,
after ordering his pizza, remarked "get on that, pizza
boy." Well, guess what he got in his pizza? Is this wrong?
What can I do to either calm myself or make customers nicer?
Anonymous cook in Telluride via e-mail
Cookie,
Yes, it is totally wrong and disgusting. Maybe next time
you should tell him it will be ready as soon as possible
and take your sweet time. Remember, you only have to deal
with him for a few minutes. If you really feel the need
for revenge you could put some hot sauce on his pizza.
Divers
Dear Diver,
I’m in love with a woman that can’t
cook. I want to marry her and spend the rest of my life
with her, but I don’t want to tell her I want to
cook the meals for us. What can I do?
- Hungry in Hermosa
Dear Hungry,
If I have a good idea of women like I think I do (considering
I am one), your girlfriend has successfully tricked you
into taking on her unwanted domestic responsibilities.
Don’t inform her that you know she has won, she will
think
your cooking is a nice gesture. Nice gestures always lead
to
other, rewarding nice gestures from your counterpart. Try
taking on the laundry and cleaning as well.
-
You’ve been suckered,
The Diver
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